Why can't we all just be a mom? [My response to the cover of Time]

Mimi Hecht

Every mom seems to be sporting a pin, with the overarching slogan being "I believe this with the strength of a mountain and should you believe otherwise I will bury you alive." 

   WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE A MOM?

My response to this week's cover of Time 

This week's cover of Time Magazine has parents everywhere reacting—raising eyebrows, fists and many questions about the "rights" and "wrongs" of mothering. Featured on the cover is a real-life mom (though she looks more like a model, another point of contention) breastfeeding her almost four year old. For effect, he is standing on a chair to reach her breast. 

The issue marks the anniversary of Dr. Sears' book, known for creating a movement of mothers who co-sleep, wear their babies and, as the cover tries hard to shockingly convey, choose to breastfeed their children way into toddlerhood. We've all heard of Attachment Parenting, but this Time cover just turned up the volume on the conversation by asking in bold print, "Are You Mom Enough?" 

It's not surprising that this question, which brazenly pits moms against one another, is raised in association with Attachment Parenting. Defined by moms who harold "a better way" to parent, often in direct combat with the recommendations of the AAP or what's been considered by our society to be "normal," AP is hallmarked by an emphasis on honoring intuition, mother-child bonding and overall enriching your child's health and development through, well, attachment. In other words, being the best, most respectful, most sensitive and attached parent. But the thing is, most parents that believe in the AP bible would argue that it's not just another form of parenting, but the only way to raise happy, healthy children. I have many friends and also follow celebrities who tout the virtues of AP (the wonderful Mayim Bialik, for one), and I have yet to hear the tiniest glimmer of the sentiment that it just might not be for everyone. To me, there is tremendous virtue in the method of parenting, but not in the actual style. I steer clear of women wearing "Mommy Superstar" capes.

But while AP parents may be easy bait for accusations of holier-than-thou parenting, any mom can be guilty of the same. It's a saddening, deep punch to the very core of mothering, but let's face it: no mom is naive or immune to the often combattive, insulting, and utterly hostile field that motherhood seems to increasingly play. Time Magazine's question hit it on the nail. 

I am a mother who believes in both hospital and home births. I can proclaim both the benefits of using an epidural and the gains in birthing sans drugs. I know that pacifiers are a gift from God, but also something to question. There's something undeniably natural and beautiful about sleeping with your baby, but also something undeniably inconvenient and...well, not for everyone. But I don't find that a lot of mothers out there are like me. Every mom seems to be sporting a pin, with the overarching slogan being "I believe this with the strength of a mountain and should you believe otherwise I will bury you alive." 

The nation is talking a lot about bullying in schools. But what about the bullying going on everyday among parents? Full grown adults who prey on the weaknesses in another parent's looks, actions and beliefs? Why can't we all just be a mom? Not supermom, not powermom, not mom "enough"—just a mom, worthy of praise and honor by virtue of her card-carrying, sacred membership. Someone please tell me this is possible...

It's every parent's right to make decisions they feel proud about, even to the naysay of her peers or the whole of society, and expect respect. Motherhood is sensitive enough with its daily barrage of emotional and physical highs and lows. Only if we're pit against each other will we lose our mojo altogether. 

The women who says "gross" to the Times cover is just as guilty as the woman who judges a mom for not breastfeeding. Slandering hospital births is a crime just like discouraging a home birth. Every woman has their inner compass they must follow. And is it up to us, their fellow motherers, to remain committed to the greater mom morales that band us together. Whether its in our own bed or in the crib in the other room, we all kiss our kids to sleep. Whether we breastfeed or not, we are our children's' soul nurturer. Whether cloth or throw-out, we change a lot of diapers. Whether we parade them in a stroller or wear them in a sling, all our kids are close to our heart.

Imagine if we saw every mother as "mom enough" simply by the status of her mothership. Imagine  if we trusted that every mother is parenting in a way that is good and healthy for her and her family. Imagine if we were able to discuss lovingly the pros and cons of each parenting style, but most of all...able to not see it that way at all. 

Insights from the Rebbe (In honor of Lag Baomer!)

Today is Lag Baomer! As a LadyMama striving to stay "smart, stylish, spiritual and sane,"  it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the depth of this joyous day!

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What IS Lag Baomer? (From Chabad.org)

Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, who lived in the second century of the common era, was the first to publicly teach the mystical dimension of the Torah known as the “Kabbalah,” and is the author of the basic work of Kabbalah, the Zohar. On the day of his passing, Rabbi Shimon instructed his disciples to mark the date as “the day of my joy.”

The chassidic masters explain that the final day of a righteous person’s earthly life marks the point at which “all his deeds, teachings and work” achieve their culminating perfection and the zenith of their impact upon our lives. So each Lag BaOmer, we celebrate Rabbi Shimon’s life and the revelation of the esoteric soul of Torah. (Chabad.org) 


There's much more about Lag Baomer - read on! 


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INSIGHTS FROM THE REBBE 

As a Chabad woman, I am blessed to be surrounded by a community that is enlivened by the wellsprings of Chassidus, the more esoteric understanding of our Torah. More personally, I feel blessed to look to the Lubavitcher Rebbe, who, along with the great lineage that preceded him, started a revolution through his unmatched teachings (and campaigns) that gave forth to an enormous movement that is changing the world as we know it through unbridled joy, action, education and true love of G-d's people. 

To honor this day, I decided to do what I can to spend a few moments reconnecting with the Rebbe's voice. Below are some quotes and insights from the Rebbe that remain just as empowering and relevant today as they were then, over 17 years ago. They all reflect a mindset that, as I know it, truly burst forth through the Chabad Rabbeim's unrivaled commitment to spreading the inner dimension of Torah. 

May the Rebbe's important reminders guide us as women, wives, mothers...and humans! 

~~~~~~~~~

PEACE

In these critical times, when nations are challenging one another, and violence is increasing in an unbelievable manner; the Jews have the power, to bring about peace in the entire world.

 LOVE

When there is love of G-d but not love of Torah and love of Israel, this means that the love of G-d is also lacking. On the other hand, when there is love of a fellow Jew, this will eventually bring also a love of Torah and a love of G-d.

For just as this last exile was caused by a lack of brotherly love, so shall the final and immediate Redemption be achieved by love for one's fellow.

CHALLENGING TIMES

When a person is uprooted from his habitual environment... there come to light certain traits of his inner character as they are in their purity, undistorted by the expectations of society. Often, these traits reveal the hidden good in this person, of which perhaps even he himself had been unaware, because they were hidden under the layers of “manners” and social conventions. Fortunate is the person who does not allow these traits to disappear when he subsequently settles down and finds tranquility.

OUTREACH

In order to truly influence a fellow, we must devote ourselves to him or her without regard to whether s/he will be influenced or not. He is a fellow human being who needs your help. So help him. If she lacks something material, help her. If she is spiritually lost, help her. Many see the point of influencing a fellow Jew to do a good deed, a mitzvah -- to put on tefillin, to perform a single act of charity, to avoid a moral transgression -- if this leads to a greater involvement, and ultimately, a complete transformation. But when confronted with a "lost case" they feel it's a waste of time. Why bother?

Why bother? Because you care about him, not only about what he ought to be, what he will be, or what you see in him. He lacks something now, and you are privileged to be of assistance. If you care for him because you expect to influence him, then chances are he won't respond. But if you care for him whether he responds or not, then he will respond. 

LIGHT

A little light dispels a lot of darkness. 

WOMEN

The woman, too, has a role that extends beyond the home, extends also to the most alien of daughters and the most pagan of lands. A woman who has been blessed with the aptitude and talent to influence her sisters can, and must, be an “outgoer,” periodically leaving her haven of holiness to reach out to those who have lost grounding and

 direction in their lives.

THE HOME

Of course, the purpose of a vessel is that it be filled with content; the purpose of a home is that it be inhabited. The Sanctuary was built to house the presence of G-d. 

But it is the making of vessels for G-dliness that is life's greatest challenge and its most revolutionary achievement

POWER OF JOY

Therefore we must increase in light, and not just any light, but specifically the light of simchah (joyousness). Since simchah "breaks all boundaries and limitations," it breaks through the person's limitations, the limitations of this world, and the limitations imposed by this dreadful darkness

TIME

G-d did more than make us creatures in time: He also empowered us to contemplate its limits and even experience a semblance of "timelessness" in our daily lives.

AGING

The promise of a "happy retirement" is a cruel myth: the very nature of human life is that man knows true happiness only when creatively contributing to the world he inhabits. The weakened physical state of old age (or illness, G-d forbid) is not a sentence of inactivity, but a challenge to find new--and superior--venues of achievement.

REDEMPTION

When the Father sees that the son is no longer seeking Him… then the exile truly begins. For as long as the son is searching for the Father, as long as the search for Redemption occupies the son, this constitutes a preparation, a beginning, and a spark of the redemption. 

Wishing you and yours a joyous Lag Baomer! 

May the deep light of Torah permeate our beings 

and radiate our hearts and homes! 

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Cooking w/your Kid (Part 2) + KID-FRIENDLY RECIPES from BusyInBrooklyn.com

I'm super excited that Chanie from Busy in Brooklyn took up my offer to enhance my post about cooking with my kid. Chanie's blog is FULL of super recipes and creative ideas, all infused with a fresh and joyous take on being a homemaker. 

She definitely IS busy in Brooklyn, crocheting her baby's pacifier clips and turning even her leftovers into a new awesome dish. In short, she is someone I'd love to emulate but probably never will. So at the least I'm privileged to feature her insights and recipes here. Thank you, Chanie!    Be sure to visit her blog, and like her Facebook page where, among other things, she posts her Shabbos menus that will get you drooling (and most of all, busy in the kitchen!). 

COOKING WITH YOUR KIDS (Part 2)

Reasons to Try...and Recipes to Try!

By Chanie Apfelbaum from Busy in Brooklyn

Cooking with your kids doesn't just start at the stove-top. I realized this one day when I asked my daughter to get me the mayonnaise from the fridge. "What's that?"she asked innocently. That's when I realized, I had never really shown her around the kitchen. I just took for granted that she knew what soy sauce was and where the spaghetti was stored. From then on, I implemented a new family routine. Every week, when our food order was delivered, my kids would empty the boxes and put everything away. I would teach them what each thing was called, and where it belonged in the pantry or fridge. In no time at all, this became their most cherished activity of the week. Not to mention, mine too. 

Once they've mastered the ingredient list, it's time to show your kids around the kitchen supplies. Introduce them to different kitchen utensils such as sifters, whisk, and spatulas  and explain to them how they are used (you can do this during the cooking process). 

Cooking is also a great opportunity to teach your kids about kosher. And I'm not talking about the fish and scales kind of education. I show my children how I inspect fruits and vegetables for bugs, check eggs for blood spots and point out the different kosher symbols on food packaging. They are so curious and eager to learn and just soak it all in like a sponge!

When it comes to the actual cooking, I find that my kids are willing and able to do anything I ask. From collecting the ingredients, to mixing, pouring, assembling, and even cleaning up the mess afterwards. 

Chopping and dicing aside, so many dishes can be prepared with your kids help. But mostly, they enjoy preparing the foods that they like to eat. That doesn't mean you have to take out your cake decorating kit and whip up butterfly cupcakes. All you need are some simple, easy recipes that you can enjoy preparing together.

Here are a few to get you started!

Fruit Skewers with Dipping Sauce & Crunch

Ingredients:

Fruit of choice, such as melon, berries, pineapple, grapes, bananas
plain yogurt, cottage cheese or sour cream
Add-ins: good-quality preserves, honey, maple syrup, cinnamon
toppings: granola, graham crackers, cereal, chopped nuts

Instructions:
1. Cut up fruit into bite-size pieces. 
2. Set fruit out in separate bowls. 
3. Arrange fruit skewers by alternating different fruit on a toothpick or bamboo skewer.
4. Mix favorite add-ins into dipping sauce of your choice.
5. Dip fruit skewers into sauce and sprinkle with crunchy topping of choice. 

Quesadillas

Ingredients:
2 tortilla wraps
ketchup
shredded mozzarella cheese
shredded cheddar cheese
add-ins of your choice (onions, peppers, olives, mushrooms etc)
marinara sauce, for dipping (optional)

Instructions:
1. Spread ketchup on each wrap.
2. Spray a pan with cooking spray and heat up.
3. Place wrap in the pan, ketchup side up.
4. Sprinkle with mozzarella and/or cheddar cheese.
6. Add veggie fillings of choice.
7. Top with 2nd tortilla, ketchup side down.
8. Press down on the quesadilla with a spatula.
9. When the cheese has started to melt and the bottom wrap has browned, carefully flip it over with spatula.
10. When the bottom has browned, remove from the pan and cut into triangles with a pizza wheel or knife.

Kitchen Sink Cookies

Ingredients:
Basic cookie dough (see recipe below)
Add-ins: nuts, pretzel pieces, chocolate lentils, chocolate chips, dried fruit, rice krispies, marshmallows

Instructions:
1. With a hand mixer, cream the butter and sugar until fluffy. 
2. Add egg and vanilla and mix. 
3. In a separate bowl, whisk the flour and baking soda. 
4. Slowly add the flour to the creamed mixture and beat to combine. 
5. With a spoon, mix in add-ins of choice.
6. Drop spoonfuls of batter onto ungreased cookie sheet.
7. Bake at 375 degrees for 12-15 minutes.
8. Remove from oven and cool.

Basic Cookie Dough:
3/4 cup (1 1/2 sticks) butter or margarine
3/4 cup granulated sugar
3/4 cup brown sugar
1 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
2 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp salt

Dear Baby Belly: A Letter To My Not-So-Postpartum Stomach Flab

Mimi Hecht

 I have an army of friends and family that have accepted your presence on their own perfectly traumatized bodies. And, you hear me, we still look frikkin' awesome.

DEAR BABY BELLY

A Letter to my Not-So-Postpartum Stomach Flab

Dear Baby Belly,


It's been over a year since giving birth, so I figured it was high time you and I had a little talk.


Oh, stomach flab...


I'd ask how you are, but I know the answer. You're just hanging around, enjoying life. Laughing as you watch me change outfits a million times because nothing can hide you well enough to convince people that I am back to my pre-baby body. I know you've been through a lot—you have ballooned, stretched and become super firm, only to fall to the force of gravity in a less than complimented world of postpartum body image. But seriously, I am the one that has to wear you!


And its annoying because I actually lost my baby weight. But you, baby bump, must still linger. You need everyone to know that my body has birthed. You need to make clear that the high waisted skirt look will always be conquered by those that have yet to make the foray into frump.

Guest Blogger: Birth and it's Beauty (A Poem!)

By Mimi Nussbaum

Mimi currently lives in Sydney, Australia and is a mother of a ten month old son. After spending seven months in Israel following her marriage in 2009, she moved to Australia with her husband to be close to her family. She is currently completing her GradDipEd in Macquarie University, to teach English and History at high school level.

BIRTH AND ITS BEAUTY

I remember the whitewashed walls that surrounded me,

The voices of the doctors that hovered over me like a resonating rhythm.

Was it fear I felt in the pit of my stomach?

Or anticipation for the inexplicable love that

I already felt intrigued and enveloped by?

I was awestruck by the faith that travelled through my veins,

Giving life to the cells of uncertainty that plagued

the deep recesses of my very being.

As the smoky stench filled my nostrils

I felt hostile to the sterility of the doctors and the anaesthetic,

Reluctant to relinquish the control I once cherished.

The warm, human smell of my husband nearby brought relief,

Like the warmth of fire on icy skin

in the harshness of winter’s coldest day.

In what felt like an instant, the chatter and laughter

was drowned out by the beating of my heart.

It felt like a drum in a grand parade,

Fighting to be heard over the other instruments.

“Congratulations” suddenly filled the room;

My baby’s first cry was met with unsurpassable joy and elation.

The gratitude that I felt consumed me like a vice,

Barely letting the oxygen escape my lungs.

I felt him in my arms and knew my life had altered forever.

I now understand the transcendental power of love

and its capacity to fill someone with emotion so strong,

you could survive on it alone.

I remain enthralled by the notion that two people can create an entirely new being, combined with G-d’s inexplicable powers.

It colours my experiences and my world with sheer pleasure;

Fortified by the desire we possess to create, to love and to appreciate 

our G-d given privilege.

Cooking with your Kid (PART 1)

By Mimi Hecht

COOKING WITH YOUR KID

or "How I Involved my Toddler in Dinner Prep and Why it was a Treat for us Both"

I typically spend a lot of emotional energy keeping my two active boys occupied while I prepare dinner between 3 and 4 o'clock. I move very quickly in the kitchen and like to whisk around grabbing things from the fridge, chopping and sautéing.  More specifically, having the curiosity of Shney (2 1/2 years old) getting into the fridge and Dovi (13 months) exploring the pots and pans is not my idea of playtime. And certainly not when I just want to get dinner prep done with. (Yes, I know that it sounds like I might need a lesson in dinner organization to help relieve this stress...and you would be right.)

But one evening last week, I had a realization that has already completely changed and uplifted my evenings as a stay-at-home and work-from-home mom. 

Instead of "shunning" Shney from the kitchen and going to great lengths to make sure he's out of my way, I decided "What the hey, let's do this together." 

Now, let me be clear here, in the name of honesty. I am NOT one of those moms who would excel as a kindergarten teacher. I get bored after an hour of playing with my kids. I can often be quite selfish, finding ways for my kids to entertain themselves as opposed to climbing into their world. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. But I also love playgroup, babysitters and Baby Einstein. So in short, it certainly was not my first instinct to try and incorporate a messy and bossy toddler into my dinner prep. Honestly, this probably happened I was in an exceptionally good mood. 

So on a whim I gave Shney the front seat to making baked potato/sweet potato "fries." 

It would take patience...

...but it would pay off!

Let's do it!

(Alternate title: Time to wash those hands 

that have been God-knows-where today!)

First thing you need is a kid stool. Cooking with your kid is impossible without it! The stool brought Shney into mommy's world so he didn't feel any limitations of little land.  We have a Mommy's Helper Step Up Non-Slip Froggie Stepstool and we love it! 

STEP RIGHT UP, CHEF SHNEY!

Watchu lookin' at? I'm making dinner!

First, Shney helped me decide how many potatoes to use. So already, we were learning about "too little" and "too much." And the amount we chose also allowed us to enthusiastically practice counting to 10 :)  

After I peeled the potatoes, Shney washed each one and handed it back to me: "All clean!"Then I started cutting them. But even though he can't actually handle the knife, I let him do some decision making as I sliced each potato. Should I cut it this way? That way? Is this too big? Should we cut it some more? I was delighted that he actually had an opinion about the size of the fries. He definitely favored the thicker variety, so I went with it.  

Guest Blogger: Infertility Sensitivity Training

By Anonymous

The author studied at day school, attended yeshiva high school, spent time at a seminary in Israel, graduated from a Jewish college and works in the Jewish community. She is your average orthodox Jewish girl next door. If you wish to get in touch with her, please e-mail blog@ladymama.org 


                              

Infertility Sensitivity Training

Last week (April 22-28) was National Infertility Awareness Week. Our childfree-by-choice contributor has returned to offer some "sensitivity training" for women who have kids.

As a child-free woman I am very aware of how much the conversations of the women around me revolve around their pregnancy, births and children. But don't just take my word for it; here is an amazing video from the author of the http://theinfertilityvoice.com/ site:

What IF: A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

While for me I understand it is the stage of life most of my peers are in and usually just walk away to go join another conversation, I have become extremely sensitive to how these same things may be hard for a woman suffering from infertility. And it should go without saying, unless ANY woman starts the conversation about having kids with you, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Do not ever initiate comments asking if she is pregnant, why she isn’t pregnant yet, when are you going to have kids/your next kid already!? and so on.

So here are my 5 friendly reminders to my wonderful mother friends: