From Abuse to Awareness:
Healing Through Motherhood
Baby Rochel. My infant daughter is a replica of me. I look into her deep eyes and see straight into her soul. To my soul.
I gaze at her adoringly, this beautiful baby, and I wonder if I was ever this loved, this cherished. I'm sure that I wasn't.
My formative years were neither kind nor peaceful. Abuse was endured, both physically and emotionally, and my earliest memories include pain and fear and terror. I believe that my parents did their best, with the limited tools they had. I have no doubt that they loved me in the way they knew. I have made peace with the physical aspect of this journey my soul chose, yet I would look back at my youth and feel abandoned by my heavenly Father. Was He not witness to my suffering? Was that little, innocent girl not worthy of His refuge?
I love my children with abandon, but that hasn't always been so. When my older ones were younger, I was afraid to surrender to those feelings. After all, maternal love did nothing to protect me. With a lot of effort and support I have learned to let go of that which doesn't serve me. I have learned to trust myself, my intuition, my mother-love.
This sweet baby has heightened my awareness. Her arrival has brought me to a much deeper level of sensitivity. In some ways I feel more fragile than ever, but in truth I am strong. Strong enough that I am no longer afraid of my feelings. I embrace the sadness, the pain, the joy. My vital essence regenerates; it reconnects with its source.
Awash with forgiveness and compassion, I find a much more peaceful self. I can push past my comfort zone, take unfamiliar routes, welcome the unknown and unexpected, all without the torment that would previously accompany a venture outside the realm of safety.
Baby Rochel, with her special soul, she brings healing to her loved ones. Through parenting this precious gift, I feel as though I have a unique opportunity to reparent my own inner child, and in doing so, I experience G-d’s ultimate compassion for His beloved children. I have the pleasure of making my own acquaintance on a deeper, more intimate level, and I am slowly learning to love and cherish myself.