From Abuse to Awareness: Healing Through Motherhood

By Anonymous

From Abuse to Awareness: 

Healing Through Motherhood

By Anonymous

Baby Rochel. My infant daughter is a replica of me. I look into her deep eyes and see straight into her soul. To my soul.

I gaze at her adoringly, this beautiful baby, and I wonder if I was ever this loved, this cherished. I'm sure that I wasn't.

My formative years were neither kind nor peaceful. Abuse was endured, both physically and emotionally, and my earliest memories include pain and fear and terror. I believe that my parents did their best, with the limited tools they had. I have no doubt that they loved me in the way they knew. I have made peace with the physical aspect of this journey my soul chose, yet I would look back at my youth and feel abandoned by my heavenly Father. Was He not witness to my suffering? Was that little, innocent girl not worthy of His refuge?

I love my children with abandon, but that hasn't always been so. When my older ones were younger, I was afraid to surrender to those feelings. After all, maternal love did nothing to protect me. With a lot of effort and support I have learned to let go of that which doesn't serve me. I have learned to trust myself, my intuition, my mother-love.

This sweet baby has heightened my awareness. Her arrival has brought me to a much deeper level of sensitivity. In some ways I feel more fragile than ever, but in truth I am strong. Strong enough that I am no longer afraid of my feelings. I embrace the sadness, the pain, the joy. My vital essence regenerates; it reconnects with its source.

Awash with forgiveness and compassion, I find a much more peaceful self. I can push past my comfort zone, take unfamiliar routes, welcome the unknown and unexpected, all without the torment that would previously accompany a venture outside the realm of safety.

Baby Rochel, with her special soul, she brings healing to her loved ones. Through parenting this precious gift, I feel as though I have a unique opportunity to reparent my own inner child, and in doing so, I experience G-d’s ultimate compassion for His beloved children.  I have the pleasure of making my own acquaintance on a deeper, more intimate level, and I am slowly learning to love and cherish myself.

Trusting G-d: Better than our "go-to" friend

How are all my LadyMama's doing?

It's been a bit quiet on my blog, as our family has been dealing with a young loved one who is very sick (please have Shneur Chaim Yitzchak Alexander ben Nechama Dina in your prayers!). It's been a week of hospital visits and prayers and even something called an "amen gathering." But most of all, my mind has just been consumed with heavy and deep thoughts about life (what's all the suffering for?), G-d (is he listening?), prayer (does it work?) and the list goes on. Normally, I would blog about it, but I haven't been sleeping so well and been with the two little ones during the day. Exhaustion is not the word. 

How grateful I am that the following piece came to my inbox, via an anonymous writer who refuses to shed her disguise. What an important reminder, especially during The Nine Days, to reinstate G-d as our trusted and dependable "go-to." 

Thank you, anonymous, for a down-to-earth post that came to me at the time I needed it most. 

                                                                                      

TRUSTING G-D: Better than our "go-to" friend

Do you have a person that you can always count on?

Your mom? Dad? Brother? Sister? Best friend? 

Mentor? Aunt? The one you call when you need a babysitter now? 

The one you call...when you miss your flight and the next flight’s asking price is more than 3 digits? When your boss yells at you and you feel unappreciated and underpaid? When your car breaks down in middle of the highway and you don't know how to change your tire let alone jump a car? When your lost and your GPS is telling you to go on a one way street—the wrong way of one way street?

When you finally do reach this person, and this trusted being is on the case, your heart settles.

You're breathing in and out again. Your jaw slackens, your fists uncoil, and your eyes stop having that slight crazed look. You are safe. You are relaxed. You're at peace.

Why? Because your “go-to” loves you and wants the best for you. 

You know that. And so you are okay.

I am not Miss Punctual, nor am I Miss Tardy. I sometimes say no when I can't do things, and I try to say yes when I can. So I doubt I am anyone's count-on.

But I do have some people in my life who I feel this way about. I trust them 99.9%. I am realistic, nothing is a perfect 100%.

Oh, but there is...

There's G-d. 

That person you trust? Well, they've got nothing on Hashem. Nothing. 

Can you imagine? G-d's more reliable than your “go-to.” That really responsible, educated yet street smart, uptight and sometimes neurotic, do gooder. That  happy martyr that might be your mom, friend, sister, uncle or even boss. Whoever, whenever. G-d tops them because not only did He create your “go to," He created mine. And my “go to” is good. Very good.

My father once told me, "Love people, trust Hashem."

Can you imagine trusting the Creator with every breath you take?

Thinking that makes me breathe slower already. Not only is He going to come through one hundred percent, but nothing will stop Him. Not a snow storm or hurricane, or a delayed flight. G-d does not sleep. G-d is constantly watching and making sure that what happens…is meant to be. And is good.

So think about it. Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Imagine a life where G-d is your trusted best friend. And more. Ask yourself, what's stopping you from making G-d your go-to? 

Encouraging G-ds Bad Habits: A Perspective on the Leiby Kletzky Tragedy

By Chanale Felig 
Chanale lives in Coconut Grove, FL and directs Friendship Miami, a non-profit organization serving children with special needs. She is currently working on her BA in Psychology and Marketing. She has been writing for years, publishing her musings in consistent e-mails to her family and friends—this is her first published article.

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On July 11, 2011 the entire Brooklyn Jewish community held their breath as local police, community leaders, and 5,000 volunteers scoured New York City for eight year old Leiby Kletzky. Two days later on early Wednesday morning police officials confirmed that the boy had been kidnapped and murdered in a heinous manner. The reaction of the community was absolute terror. The following was my initial reaction to the inhumane attack on this young and innocent boy.

Encouraging G-ds Bad Habits: 

A Perspective on the Leiby Kletzky Tragedy

[July 15, 2011]

You’d be hard pressed to find a single Jewish person who didn’t feel the urge to throw up while listening to this week's headlines. We all can't stop crying in pain.


I don’t think anything hurts as much as shattered innocence—the loss of a child. It seems it’s particularly difficult to let go of the idea of potential. It's so unfair. And when loss occurs in such an unspeakable manner, it begs the age-old questions: Why do evil things happen to innocent people? What good results from our pain? In 5,771 years of experience, we are only beginning to understand the questions to ask. We have concluded that to denounce our faith in G-d out of our pain, only results in a further pain. We are motivated by our need to belong to something, and to turn from G-d would only add salt to the wound. 

We already learned that to express unity in a trying time brings G-d tremendous joy, so we unify. When the heat is on, all pretenses fall and we uncover our soul connection to our brothers. We already always respond to all terrible news with increased acts of goodness and kindness. And yet despite all our growth, we still fumble when it hurts. We still cry out in anguish, wondering if we’re heard. We still try to mop up the mess, not quite sure how it got there. 


What is going on in our relationship with G-d? How do we feel safe with such an Awesome and Powerful G-d? Where is the security in knowing our fate is in His hands? 


Maybe before we look towards G-d, we ought to look deeper into ourselves... 


In numerous places the Torah compares our relationship with G-d to a marriage. In this relationship, he is the spouse that’s looking for validation. When he sends us nice weather, keeps the economy in check, gives us our health, we take Him for granted. We begin to expect to wake up to all these nice things, and forget to acknowledge that He did them, because He loves us. 


And then tragedy strikes, as is the way of the world – and suddenly G-d begins to notice a more attentive spouse in us. Suddenly, Synagogues are filled. Prayer books fly open, and coins rattle in charity boxes worldwide. 

We’re not sending a very good message. 


Whenever things are good – we neglect to praise G-d for all He does. But then when things are bad, He is showered with our love, devotion, and faith. With all the good that comes out of negative situations, it’s no wonder they occur so frequently. 


 It’s just bad psychology. We’re reinforcing G-d’s negative behaviors. 


What if we turned things around? What if we responded to every good occasion with something positive? What if we whipped out our prayer books when someone had a baby, or got married? What if we gave charity every morning, just because the sun was shining? Just because there was food on the table and we were able to put it there? 


 How would the world change if we stopped strengthening our faith in G-d only when the earth rumbles beneath us? What if we offered validation for the things that gives Him pleasure to do, not only in the things that pain Him too? 


It seems useless to beg Him to stop, because no matter how many times we do – pain still finds its way into our lives. It seems useless to tell Him how much we believe in Him, because it’s past the time that he wants to hear it. 


What if we took a more proactive approach? Instead of waiting until He is let down by our neglect, let’s beat Him to the punch: the next time you hear something positive, a good piece of news, respond in kind. Encourage good karma. 


We need to show G-d that we love him always. 


That it is not only in bad times that we remember His name.

 May Hashem comfort the mourners amongst the mourners in Zion and Yerushalayim.

Insights from the Rebbe (In honor of Lag Baomer!)

Today is Lag Baomer! As a LadyMama striving to stay "smart, stylish, spiritual and sane,"  it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge the depth of this joyous day!

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What IS Lag Baomer? (From Chabad.org)

Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, who lived in the second century of the common era, was the first to publicly teach the mystical dimension of the Torah known as the “Kabbalah,” and is the author of the basic work of Kabbalah, the Zohar. On the day of his passing, Rabbi Shimon instructed his disciples to mark the date as “the day of my joy.”

The chassidic masters explain that the final day of a righteous person’s earthly life marks the point at which “all his deeds, teachings and work” achieve their culminating perfection and the zenith of their impact upon our lives. So each Lag BaOmer, we celebrate Rabbi Shimon’s life and the revelation of the esoteric soul of Torah. (Chabad.org) 


There's much more about Lag Baomer - read on! 


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INSIGHTS FROM THE REBBE 

As a Chabad woman, I am blessed to be surrounded by a community that is enlivened by the wellsprings of Chassidus, the more esoteric understanding of our Torah. More personally, I feel blessed to look to the Lubavitcher Rebbe, who, along with the great lineage that preceded him, started a revolution through his unmatched teachings (and campaigns) that gave forth to an enormous movement that is changing the world as we know it through unbridled joy, action, education and true love of G-d's people. 

To honor this day, I decided to do what I can to spend a few moments reconnecting with the Rebbe's voice. Below are some quotes and insights from the Rebbe that remain just as empowering and relevant today as they were then, over 17 years ago. They all reflect a mindset that, as I know it, truly burst forth through the Chabad Rabbeim's unrivaled commitment to spreading the inner dimension of Torah. 

May the Rebbe's important reminders guide us as women, wives, mothers...and humans! 

~~~~~~~~~

PEACE

In these critical times, when nations are challenging one another, and violence is increasing in an unbelievable manner; the Jews have the power, to bring about peace in the entire world.

 LOVE

When there is love of G-d but not love of Torah and love of Israel, this means that the love of G-d is also lacking. On the other hand, when there is love of a fellow Jew, this will eventually bring also a love of Torah and a love of G-d.

For just as this last exile was caused by a lack of brotherly love, so shall the final and immediate Redemption be achieved by love for one's fellow.

CHALLENGING TIMES

When a person is uprooted from his habitual environment... there come to light certain traits of his inner character as they are in their purity, undistorted by the expectations of society. Often, these traits reveal the hidden good in this person, of which perhaps even he himself had been unaware, because they were hidden under the layers of “manners” and social conventions. Fortunate is the person who does not allow these traits to disappear when he subsequently settles down and finds tranquility.

OUTREACH

In order to truly influence a fellow, we must devote ourselves to him or her without regard to whether s/he will be influenced or not. He is a fellow human being who needs your help. So help him. If she lacks something material, help her. If she is spiritually lost, help her. Many see the point of influencing a fellow Jew to do a good deed, a mitzvah -- to put on tefillin, to perform a single act of charity, to avoid a moral transgression -- if this leads to a greater involvement, and ultimately, a complete transformation. But when confronted with a "lost case" they feel it's a waste of time. Why bother?

Why bother? Because you care about him, not only about what he ought to be, what he will be, or what you see in him. He lacks something now, and you are privileged to be of assistance. If you care for him because you expect to influence him, then chances are he won't respond. But if you care for him whether he responds or not, then he will respond. 

LIGHT

A little light dispels a lot of darkness. 

WOMEN

The woman, too, has a role that extends beyond the home, extends also to the most alien of daughters and the most pagan of lands. A woman who has been blessed with the aptitude and talent to influence her sisters can, and must, be an “outgoer,” periodically leaving her haven of holiness to reach out to those who have lost grounding and

 direction in their lives.

THE HOME

Of course, the purpose of a vessel is that it be filled with content; the purpose of a home is that it be inhabited. The Sanctuary was built to house the presence of G-d. 

But it is the making of vessels for G-dliness that is life's greatest challenge and its most revolutionary achievement

POWER OF JOY

Therefore we must increase in light, and not just any light, but specifically the light of simchah (joyousness). Since simchah "breaks all boundaries and limitations," it breaks through the person's limitations, the limitations of this world, and the limitations imposed by this dreadful darkness

TIME

G-d did more than make us creatures in time: He also empowered us to contemplate its limits and even experience a semblance of "timelessness" in our daily lives.

AGING

The promise of a "happy retirement" is a cruel myth: the very nature of human life is that man knows true happiness only when creatively contributing to the world he inhabits. The weakened physical state of old age (or illness, G-d forbid) is not a sentence of inactivity, but a challenge to find new--and superior--venues of achievement.

REDEMPTION

When the Father sees that the son is no longer seeking Him… then the exile truly begins. For as long as the son is searching for the Father, as long as the search for Redemption occupies the son, this constitutes a preparation, a beginning, and a spark of the redemption. 

Wishing you and yours a joyous Lag Baomer! 

May the deep light of Torah permeate our beings 

and radiate our hearts and homes! 

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TWO MINUTES (Gimmel Tammuz)

This year marks the 16th anniversary of The Rebbe's passing.

TWO MINUTES

Reflections on the anniversary of the Lubavitcher Rebbe's passing, when people 

from all over the world and of all walks of life flock to pray by his grave-site...

...even for only the allotted two minutes. 

Written Tuesday, June 19, 2007

On the way.

Niggunim are playing.

The vintage tape is unclear, but the Rebbe's voice is strong. Relevant. Urgent.

Out my window, the Jewish faces zoom by.

We have begun the march.

We're on our way.

There's a lot of traffic for 10 pm.

"Are they going to the Ohel?"

"Don't think so. They're black."

"Ya, you'd be surprised."

The Rebbe was everyone's Rebbe.

We are quite the flock.

Parking.

I'm trying to prepare.

I'm thinking, "Who is the Rebbe? What is this all about?"

I'm thinking, "Who am I? What am I all about?"

In line.

So it's not just me.

We all want to be Chassidim.

The men. The women. The young. The old. The bearded. The shaven. The skirt. The pants. No one's claiming rights here. G-d wants us all, and the Rebbe proved it.

I watch the policemen.

While they see a graveyard, we see life.

Crazy crazy Jews.

I write my letter.

My heart spills in black ink.

From, Miriam bas Leah Simcha.

Your proud soldier.

I open my Tehillim. Always the right words.

All of a sudden, someone wants to use my phone. There's no such thing as strangers in a line like this, a line with this purpose. Sure, here's my phone. And here's my pen. And I have paper, too. Hi Doris from Iran. Nice to meet you. My name is Mimi, or Miriam.

A baby is crying. We all feel the mother's needs. Afterall, Chassidim are one family. Come here, nurse your baby. We'll block you. The crying stops. The family of hundreds feels calm again.

Inching closer. No rush. A calm focus.

A young boy rests his head on Tatty's shoulder. Tatty is telling a story to an older man. It seems to be this man's first time. His eyes are glistening.

The Rebbe is on the video. He is talking. He is singing.

I want to pluck him from the video.

Rebbe, why are you on a screen?

A pain in my heart longs for closeness.

And suddenly I am being rushed in.

I hold the line to drop some coins.

And here I go.

Inside.

In the womb.

I look around.

Two headstones surrounded by life.

Absorbing.

Prayers. Tears. Gratefulness.

Hashem, look at your children.

Just look at us.

We always show up.

Even for two minutes.

And two minutes is enough.

We're on Rebbe-time. Each second is packed.

Besides, when you're face to face like this, the truth comes out.

Time forces honesty. No words are extra.

The depths come rushing to my lips.

Hashem, I just want to do good.

I want to be good.

Throat tightening.

Eyes wetting.

G-d, I want to do good.

Lips tighten.

A tear.

Hashem, I want to be good.

Cheeks flushed.

Eyes moist.

Hashem, be with me.

I want good.

And here's what I'm going to do.

A holy conversation. Tehillim.

I read my letter. I scatter the pieces.

Tehillim.

And I'm being rushed to my left.

Outside.

I feel humbled.

I feel light.

I feel strong.

I feel heard.

I feel close.

Going home.

Niggunim are playing.

The vintage tape is unclear, but the Rebbe's voice is strong. Relevant. Urgent.

Out my window, the Jewish faces zoom by.

We have begun the march.

We're on our way.

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General info/stories/etc:
The Rebbe

My piece from Gimmel Tammuz 2006:
The Rebbe Unplugged

One groups visit to the Ohel:
Return of the Souls

Shema and Modeh Ani: A World of Difference

[ Just as important as a clean tushy are the milestones of morning and night ]

When you have a child, both that final thud in their crib that marks the day’s end and that morning cry that signals a new one are major events. Towards evening, we schedule bedtime and hurry around its chaos. Through the night, we wish we could push off the morning’s demands. Sunrise and sunset signal a baby’s peek hours of need. When they arise charged to live another day, they need a diaper change, feeding, outfitting and playing. Before they vulnerably submit to the night sky, they need attention, bathing, feeding and diapering (just change the orders, it’s all the same).

A few weeks ago, I was feeling like my life was a repetitious movie of wake-ups and put-to-sleeps. In the morning, I would be half sleeping and stumbling when I followed the sounds towards my son's cries. If it was a sleepless night, I would already look forward to getting more sleep that night. The day always passed too quickly and came nightfall, I would practically drift off with him during that ever-so-long feeding. When I plopped him down into his crib, I mentally wiped the day’s sweat off my forehead and started counting the sleep I was missing by not going to bed right away.

This is where the sweet melodies of Shema and Modeh Ani have come to my rescue.

My parents’ attention to saying Modeh Ani and Shema with us as kids is a sweet memory I was excited to replicate with my own kids. But in the early months of my son’s life, I have to admit I failed miserably. For a lot of poor excuses, and mostly just lack of truly caring, I am embarrassed to say that I left my son’s nights and mornings void of these cherished and pivotal Jewish rituals. Subconsciously, perhaps I didn’t realize how essential they could be in the life of a little baby that seemingly doesn’t understand much, certainly not the deep philosophical words of Shema or the appreciative prayer of Modeh Ani.

But my thinking, or lack thereof, was flawed. Every parent knows that melodies play an important role in a baby’s daily schedule and overall development – all the more so the important Jewish melodies that you hope to be a mainstay in your child’s life! If I didn’t start now, then when? How else would I imbue my child with these iconic Jewish practices? What better time to start offering the rewards of a day both started and ended in thanks?

Thankfully, my husband was making sure our son drifted to sleep and woke up with Shema and Modeh Ani. But it was time for me to start waking up to the responsibility. And when I did, I discovered another motive - something equally important to my sons healthy upbringing. I realized quickly that the Mimi that neglects to say Shema with her son and the Mimi that remembers are two different mothers. One is harried, tired and off somewhere in her brain while the other is calm, loving and completely present. One is rushed and selfish; the other is calm and giving. One is sleeping. One is awake.

Saying Shema and Modeh Ani out loud is now becoming essential to my normalcy as a mother. Just as important as a clean tushy are the milestones of morning and night. The sweet, meaningful prayers remind me that another day is starting and another has passed. It is a simple acknowledgment that means I am no longer sleeping through my son’s daily routines – I am honoring them. Certainly, I can still say Shema and Modeh Ani with a groggy mind, but it's a starting point that has set the bar a lot higher. It takes just a little more energy to properly reflect and segue into night and day, but it means a world of difference to my growing family.