G-d's Birth Control

By Chaia Kessler

"Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and

 thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad."

God's Birth Control

By Chaia Kessler

I am your sister, your daughter, your friend, your neighbor, that person you make eye contact with in the grocery store but don't actually know.  I am that person in your life that has been married for years and doesn't have children.  Some of you may know the feeling that consumes your entire body when you get handed your baby for the first time. The warmth, and love you already have instilled in you from the months of having them with in you. Some of you may know the feeling of losing a pregnancy, the feeling like a piece of your heart is missing and may never return. Some of you may know the feeling that month after month there is only one line, the feeling like you are empty inside. That feeling is G-d's birth control.

Everyone has their own struggles that they need to overcome. For a lot of people its finding the one. The shidduch scene, the dating. As my friends know I was never much help when it came to giving advice, because I was never in it.  I was blessed with finding my husband when I wasn't even looking, knowing he was the one and getting hitched. But although I did get married before all of my friends, most became mothers before me. One shabbos when i was talking to a friend about her horrible experience with her last date I told her maybe you haven’t found the right one because Hashem doesn’t think you’re ready.Then it hit me,  Hashem hasn't made me a mother yet because I'm not ready to be a mother. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. This friend however didn’t like what I said very much at the time. She just wanted to get married already. Two years later she got married to an awesome guy and at her wedding she smiled and whispered to me, "I wasn't ready."

So that is what I held on to. Knowing that G-d knows best and one day when he deems me ready I'll be a mother.  This is not to say I didn't get furious at him, often. But eventually I knew that I would look back and know that it was meant to be this way. Our Shliach, our amazing doctor that made our dreams come true once said to me."It's not an 'if' you get pregnant it's a 'when." I guess my point is if you believe something will happen and trust in Hashem that he knows the right time. So in that four years of waiting, I went to Israel with my husband, we bought our house and fixed it up ourselves, and we had four years of shona reshona and I can't thank Hashem enough for that.

A few weeks before our fifth anniversary my husband and I gave birth to our beautiful, healthy twin boys. After being married for over four years G-d took me off his birth control. Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad. I remember the feelings I had when I was going through it all, but now all I have is love.

So these beautiful, smart, funny baby boys are not just the next thread in my tapestry of life—they are the most beautiful, vibrant threads in my life. I know that if these boys are so brightly and intricately woven in my life, I'm sure I am as deeply woven into theirs. This gift and responsibility called motherhood, I know full well I am ready for because Hashem made it happen at the right time.

With every mess, dirty diaper, and sleepless night, all I can do is thank Hashem. For not just blessing me with a child but with twins.  I hope my boys grow up being the closest and best friend a person could ever wish for. I hope that they grow up knowing their mother cried herself to sleep begging Hashem for them. I hope they know that they are their parents miracles.

The Feminist Mistake

BY KATE SAMPLE

Kate Sample decided to become an Orthodox Jew in early 2010 and prepared for her first Pesach by watching a Passover-themed episode of Gossip Girl. She has been trying to successfully balance modern life with observance ever since, and considers it her mission to dispel the idea that belief in G-d is unfashionable. You can check out her blog at http://challahbackgirl.com

"I simply cannot allow a group of women to tell me who to be in the name of 

empowerment, because I know exactly who I am, and I won’t apologize for it." 

The Feminist Mistake

Hi, my name is Kate, and I’m a recovering feminist.

For years, I believed I was empowered. The feminist movement won me over with its impressive achievements—I could vote, have control over my own body, and even grow up to be president thanks to women who fought for those things—and then it slowly tightened its grip with a lengthy list of expectations. For if patriarchal society demanded that a woman act, talk, and dress in a certain way, feminism did not free her from such restrictions but simply imposed new ones. 

In my younger years, feminist-identifying friends beseeched me not to buy into male-instituted beauty standards—as though lip gloss were something that my boyfriend insisted upon, rather than beg me not to wear it and thereby transfer it onto him. As the years have crept by and I begin to contemplate motherhood, I am discouraged from giving in to my maternal nurturing instincts to an extent that they supplant my career aspirations. Welcome to modern-day empowerment, where a woman’s place is in the office, whether she likes it or not.

While she is there, she is not to show her emotions. There is no crying in baseball, after all. Once the boys club has finally allowed her entry, a woman cannot risk making her difference in gender too obvious, lest they regret letting her in. In order to be taken seriously, she should downplay her femininity as much as possible; magazines are full of advice on how to dress to get that promotion. Marriage and building a family are definitely not priorities, especially because the modern feminist approaches sex like a man, constantly fighting against her own physiological makeup that bonds her to an intimate partner. Therein lies the rub: We have been conditioned to believe that to be an empowered woman is to act like a man.

Contrast that with the world of traditional Judaism, in which I am so often viewed as oppressed but in all actuality am given full permission to be a woman. In this realm, I’m not called crazy or psychotic—the two default options in secular society—when I get emotional or irrational. Oh, and I do. Not necessarily in a Scarlett O’Hara-throw-china-at-the-wall way, but most definitely in a “I don’t seem to feel like making any logical sense today” way. On a regular basis. The Talmud advises a man to speak gently to his wife for this very reason. While I am not yet married, my dating experience and interactions with Rabbis have proven to be extremely liberating with their patient understanding. I’m allowed to get upset. I am listened to. And I am not expected to think or act like a man in order to be accepted.

I’m already anticipating those who will decry this, pointing out the restrictions placed on women by Judaism. It’s true, though I see a vast difference between those who differentiate between the sexes and empower each in their own right, rather than telling one to emulate the other and subsequently claim equality. I don’t want to be a man. Every day I thank G-d for having made me according to His will, and I mean it. For me, it’s a not a begrudging acknowledgement of a consolation prize, but real gratitude for coming the closest to what He expects from a human being. My sensitivity, which I no longer feel the need to suppress, may cause my feelings to be easily hurt, yes, but it also allows me to tune in to other people’s needs nearly immediately. I follow in the footsteps of Sarah, Rebecca, Leah, and Rachel, who all had greater binah than their respective husbands and steered the Jewish people in the right direction because of it. Someday, I will help to guide my husband and my sons in this way. 

So while I am forever indebted to the women who fought for my rights in this country, Judaism was never the predecessor of a society that kept those things from me, and it is not trailing behind now. I simply cannot allow a group of women to tell me who to be in the name of empowerment, because I know exactly who I am, and I won’t apologize for it. I wear makeup. I have long hair. I shave my legs. I don dresses. I love the color pink. I cry at commercials. I can’t wait to be a mommy. I write to empower myself and others. I am woman, and I don’t need to roar to be heard.

CLOSET CASE: A Convert's Struggle With Dressing Modestly

BY KATE SAMPLE

Kate Sample decided to become an Orthodox Jew in early 2010 and prepared for her first Pesach by watching a Passover-themed episode of Gossip Girl. She has been trying to successfully balance modern life with observance ever since, and considers it her mission to dispel the idea that belief in G-d is unfashionable. You can check out her blog athttp://challahbackgirl.com

"The transformation didn’t happen overnight, but I have slowly 

evolved into more of a person and less of a persona."

CLOSET CASE

A Convert's Struggle With Dressing Modestly

“You don’t look Orthodox.” 

These are words I’ve heard often enough, from Jews and non-Jews alike. Although I had an Orthodox conversion, accept the Divine origins of the Written and Oral Torahs, and keep kosher and Shabbat, I have not yet mastered tzniut. It’s not for a lack of caring about or understanding this particular mitzvah. In fact, it has totally changed the way I look at clothes. For someone who’s been obsessed with fashion since childhood, that is no easy feat.

I can’t help but wonder if that’s part of my obstacle. As much as I love food, keeping kosher came easily to me, probably because I never attempted to define myself by cheeseburgers or shrimp cocktail. Cocktail attire, however, was another matter entirely. I never wanted to blend in; I always had to stand out. Green wasn’t really my color, unless my accessories were causing someone else to turn that shade. Looking back, it’s hard to believe these were my priorities. The term “slave for fashion” gets thrown around in the industry, and that’s exactly what it feels like. I can remember many a late night spent hunched over my laptop, determined to be the first to wear the next new thing and combing through shopping sites like a maniac in order to achieve it. When I read a Rabbi’s commentary on the modern forms of slavery to which we chain ourselves, these episodes popped into my mind. I didn’t want to be a slave for fashion anymore. I wanted to be known for something other than my shoes. 

The transformation didn’t happen overnight, but I have slowly evolved into more of a person and less of a persona. I have gotten so far from my former self that I don’t say the blessing over new clothes often enough to have it memorized and I always have to look it up. It is because Judaism has helped me get to this point that I trust I will be totally tzniut someday, even if I’m wearing pants as I type this. 

The hardest part, of course, is being accepted as a sincere Jew by my fellow Orthodox. I always dressed properly in the synagogue out of respect, and I was very open about my challenges with the people closest to me. So I never dreamed it would be a problem until I added some women from shul on facebook, where they could see photographic proof of my lack of modesty. To say there was a palpable shift in how I was treated would be an understatement, which is why I had to write this and push back a little bit. This isn’t Mean Girls; this is Judaism. I don’t want to be defined purely by what I wear, in any sense.

Finding Judaism is the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m grateful to have found a Rabbi who trusted that I would keep growing as a Jew and helped me to become one. My conversion wasn’t the end, it was just the beginning. Some mitzvot are more hidden and others are not. The challenge I’m currently working on happens to be really obvious, but it doesn’t mean I’m not trying. The bottom line is that I don’t want to perform the mitzvah of tzniut to be accepted or to prove I’m a good Jew. I want it to blossom in my soul and grow until it’s a part of me. 

“I love how you wear your spirituality on your sleeve.” One of my closest Orthodox friends once said this to me. Little by little, I improve, and that sleeve is now both literal and figurative. At first glance, I may not always look Orthodox. But if you get past that and have a conversation with me, I hope you’ll see my sincerity. My friend’s kind words speak to what I really love to show: my love of G-d.

Yom Kippur: I Want More

This is a scrappy poem I put together, built on my frustrations about how hard it is to tap into the holiness and opportunity of Yom Kippur when you're a mother of small children. When you complain about not being able to sit for hours in shul (yes, I actually would like to) or mentally prepare for the prayer and immerse yourself in the magnitude of the day, people like to say, "You're a mother, it's hard, that's how it is. You're not alone." I get that, and trust me I love the validation. But, alas, it's also frustrating. When you want more. I would never "trade" my children for anything (duh), but in all honesty, I deeply crave those days when it was just me to take care of and I could go to classes and read and felt totally in tune with spirituality and holidays and...know what I mean? Sorry if this is me being a debbie-downer. But I hope some mamas out there relate! ~ Mimi

Yom Kippur: I Want More

Holiest day of the year

Coming to mock me, have me fear 

The part of me that's not alive

Not quite dead, but not quite there

There to hear the dear sounds of self awakening

And accounting and growing and consciousness

Don't tell me I'm a mama so this is what it is!

Holiest day of the year 

Coming with a telegraph that says 

Get your act together

And stop acting

Listen to what's real

But I am busy and rushed and busy and rushed 

I can't bother to open the mail

Don't tell me I'm a mama so this is acceptable!

Holiest day of the year

Arrives on my doorstep

Comes in uninvited, pushes me aside 

Rustled my belongings and says

I don't care what your life is like

You must feel me before I go

But I am not ready, I am frozen

Don't tell me I'm a mama so this is normal!

Holiest day of the year

Loves me, cares for me, wants to coddle me

Comes with renewal and opportunity 

And yet my hands are not grabbing for its hug

Because all I hear is the lost opportunity and 

How unprepared I am to grab the reigns 

Because I'm busy thinking 

Life

Isn't

Supposed

To

Be

Like

This

Don't tell me I'm a mama so this will be alright!

The holiest day of the year

Taps me on the shoulder

Whispers to me

Its fine, breathe, calm down

I will wait

I am patient

Just show up

Shed a tear from this poem

That's all I ask

But deep down this will not do

What do you take me for?

I want more

What do you take me for?

I

Want

More

Don't tell me I'm a mama so this is will have to do!

The holiest day of the year

And all I have

Is a broken poem

My frustrations and yearnings 

And potential zooming past

Swallowed in the every day tasks 

And a deep wanting for more 

Wanting

For 

More

G-d, only You know me

Only You, only You

Only You know me

What do I have to give you?

My thoughts are sloppy

My molecules are thin

My ego is bruised but huge

Don't tell me I'm a mama and it's okay

And this will have to do

When what I want

Is the holiest day of the year 

My want
Is a want
Is a powerful and stirring want
For the holiest day of the year 

And this
Well, this is my exchange, this is my substitute, this is my atonement

This is my exchange, this is my substitute, this is my atonement

This is my exchange, this is my substitute, this is my atonement

LadyMama of the Week: Sarah Dukes (Composer + Pianist!)

I first met Sarah Dukes at a mutual friends birthday party and thought she was so sweet (and beautiful). How amazed I was when I found out that she was an accomplished composer and pianist who was working on her first album! When she was ready to release her music, I was very honored when she contacted me to write the press release (read it here!). Nothing is more rewarding for me than being a small part of a woman's journey to exposure and success.

I don't know about you, but I do not know many mothers who are classical pianists and compose their own music and actually release albums! And did I mention she is a practicing PSYCHOTHERAPIST? Talk about inspiring—Sarah is real proof that there is a way to actualize ourselves and contribute to the world in more than one way and grow our talents and follow or dreams. 

What's amazing about Sarah is that she feels her music so, so deeply. When she talks about it, there is this real sense of awe and fragility. It's not just something she does—its her essence. 


My favorite songs on her album Finding Forever are "Wings of a Butterfly" and "Troubled Thoughts." I basically put "Wings of a Butterfly" on repeat and get lost in its interchange of deep and high notes places so delicately...and feel like I am cacooning into a new, more thoughtful, more sensitive and vibrant person. I can't say that about most, if any, of the music I listen to. To genuinely feel transformed through hearing music is a rare and astounding experience. 

I believe Sarah is able to accomplish this because of something I appreciate most about her: she is a perfectionist! If one tiny little something is off in her music, it must be worked through a million times to reach the exact sound and emotion that is in her head. I even interviewed Yaron Garshovky for her press release and he expanded on how sensitive Sarah was to the nuances, and how she would make him play parts of songs over and over again until it resonated exactly the way she intended it. Personally, I find this so refreshing because so many people are overconfident with their skills and don't necessarily take the time to perfect it and essentially honor it in the way that will give it the wings it needs for both the artist and the listener. But Sarah seems to have this down. 

And this definitely comes through on her debut album, which is filled with stunning and stirring original songs that will make you cry from the sheer beauty. Sarah's music has the ability to touch everyone's heart. The soul just seeps through. They are sometimes brooding, usually hopeful -- but always mesmerizing. They just pull you in! When I first started discovering her compositions, I kept on playing her music when I was working on the computer but had to stop because it wasn't good background music—I had to keep interrupting what I was writing so I could focus on where it was taking me! It's that rare type of album you have to turn on and focus and meditate and let it relax and elevate you. Seriously, your heart and soul and mind will just open up. 

Do yourself a favor and check out Sarah's music now! 

http://www.sarahdukesmusic.com

https://www.facebook.com/SarahDukesMusic

Below is Sarah's just-released song, "One" -- dedicated to Leiby Kletzky. 

Grab a tissue, because you're sure to re-experience the emotions we all shared in watching our 

people come together as ONE to search for this beautiful young boy. 

And because Sarah's life and essence is the wonderful undercurrent to all her music, I interviewed Sarah so you can all learn more about this incredibly soulful, original and inspiring woman that we will no doubt continue to hear more about as she grows and expands her musical reach! 

AN INTERVIEW WITH 

THE LOVELY

THE BEAUTIFUL

THE TALENTED 

SARAH DUKES

LADYMAMA: When did you decide to go from playing recreationally to actually producing an album? And what have you learned from that process?
Sarah Dukes: Since I am from N.C., I went away to a Jewish school when I was 13. Being a teenager is emotional enough, but I suppose being away from home at such a young age added to the 'tumultuous' emotions. I took piano lessons throughout my years in Pittsburgh, but I also used the piano as a way to express myself and release my emotions. I didn't know what I was doing when I was composing. I never took composition lessons. Yet it felt so freeing to have a way to get my emotions out. I composed my songs and shared them with my classmates and friends. I was so surprised to hear that they all loved it. I never understood why-to me, they were my complex emotions recorded in a physical way. To others, I just thought it was nothing more than a 'scribble' like tune. I even had a classmate who was a trained pianist and she said I inspired her and she is jealous of me. I couldn't believe that my songs that I composed would be anything to be 'jealous' over! SHE was the one whose fingers flew across the piano! My friends continued to shower my songs with praises and even chose to use one in one of the school productions! They always told me I need to make a CD but I thought they were crazy. I felt like my songs are no where close to being "CD quality". I felt their sincerity and truly appreciated it, but never thought it would ever happen.  I continued composing throughout seminary and university and found more and more people who connected with my music. All of them said that I should make a CD, and begged for me to make one. I still was uncomfortable with the idea also because my compositions started getting more complex in my mind, and I was limited with how I could execute it. I didn't have the skill to play the melody as it is in my mind, so it would come out in a more simple form. People loved it that way, but I knew that that wasn't my REAL song in its complete form. I then started feeling uncomfortable and self conscious because I felt like the song sounded 'boring' compared to what it was in my head. This continued until after I got married. I eventually told myself that there's no way all these people can be wrong and I'm the only one that is right. It makes much more sense for ME to be wrong and everyone else to be right. So, I put my own ego aside, and decided to try it out and see if it would work for me to find a way to get my complete song out onto the keys. We saved up and tried one song, me giving Yaron the version of me playing it, the transcription, and dove into the challenge of expressing exact directions/instructions as to any edits, changes, of dynamics, keys, tempo, etc. that I had in my mind. After hearing the final version, I LOVED it--and mainly because I felt like it was still my creation! Once that happened, I felt much more comfortable continuing the CD process.

The process was a humbling one for me. I had to put my ego aside. I had to learn to trust others. I had to learn to make myself vulnerable and take myself out of my comfort zone. I learned that ANYTHING is possible! Even the dreams that seem furthest from your reach. You just have to START and do it. The other big thing I learned is how important it is to surround yourself with people who believe in you and what you can achieve. I owe it all to my friends who kept pushing me. I also owe it to my husband who was super supportive and encouraging and excited for me! :)

Where do you get most of your inspiration from?
My inspiration could come from an event that happened, it could come from a sudden wave of emotion, it could come from feeling an intense emotion, it could come from listening to a song, or it could come from just sitting at the piano and having my fingers just play.

How do you FIND the inspiration and time to explore it when you're a busy mother?
I don't really think I find the inspiration. More that IT finds ME. It's interesting. I can get a 'wave' of inspiration, and something will just draw me to the piano. Just out the blue I could get this strong yearning to go to the piano. There are definite times when this 'flash of inspiration' are missed due to me taking care of my family responsibilities. Then there are other times (usually most often then not) when I will quickly distract my kids with a video or something and rush to the piano to 'release' this sudden emotion or inspiration. Most of the time when this happens, I am unable to finish the song, and that's when the problem arises because once I get up and leave a song I am working on, it is very very difficult to tap back into that original inspiration or emotion that I began with, and often it will take me months to finish a song because of that. There are so many quarter or half written songs that I have that I just have to wait patiently until the same inspiration finds me again :) I'm also thankful to my husband who often has to take over when one of my waves of inspirations comes at a more hectic time.

I feel that it is really important to make time for myself and do things that 're-energize' and 're-center' me so if I find that I am not able to do it enough during the week, I will hire a babysitter for an hour or two so that I can focus on myself. I don't feel guilty about this or think of it as selfish because this is allowing me to have more more energy and be more positive and happy for my family.

How does your work as a composer affect your work as a Psychotherapist? 
I really believe that my clients have so much to offer and I really encourage them and challenge them to believe in themselves and show them that they CAN believe in themselves and have them prove to themselves how capable they are and what they can accomplish.


Tell us about your new song for Leiby Kletzky. How long have you been working on it? How does the music relate to your feelings about the tragedy? 
What happened with Leiby was horrible. I would show my kids his picture that was hanging up on the signs on the street and say tehillim with them for his safe and healthy return. We even made hachlatas for him and until this day, my kids say their kapital of tehillim every day. The emotions of those few days were so intense- fear, sadness, confusion, anger, ....a whole range of emotion. I began composing and an interesting thing happened... I found that my thoughts and emotions switched in the middle and I found myself thinking about how everyone came together and united for Leiby's search. People from all over worked day and night to find him-whether it was with the actual search, printing signs, hanging up signs, learning and davening for him. I had this strong feeling of unity and love and pride - to be part of this eternal bond. The ahavas chinam that I saw and felt was so tangible and powerful, that that is what the song turned into-the power of ONE, and how we ARE one, and that we had ahavas chinam and can continue doing so.

Describe the process of putting emotions into songs. Do you ever fear being that vulnerable? 
As mentioned above, I compose a song when I get a strong sense of emotion or force that pulls me to the piano. I don't think when this happens. I just feel. Sometimes I am aware of what I am feeling and other times I'm not, and still other times I don't really explore it. Whichever way, whatever is coming out is coming from my inner self. It is because of this reason that I feel like I am making myself vulnerable every time I share a song. I feel like I am exposing a part of myself. It is difficult for me to just 'give out' a song to others to listen to or for some guidance etc., and if that is the case, I only share it with those that I feel 'safe' with or that I trust. When I release a song to the public, it is a big and 'scary' step for me. It's like I am opening myself up to the public. It's almost like I have to jump into a pool with my eyes closed. I am giving the world a part of myself and have no idea how it will be received or accepted.


Have you ever run into resistance with your music career simply because you're a woman? 
The truth is I was concerned that my music would not be well received because I am a woman-for fear that many people are under the assumption or have the impression that a woman's work is not up to par or compare to that of a mans. However, I was (and continue to be) super surprised to see that this is not the case at all. Not only have I been receiving so many positive reviews and feedback about my music, but I feel respected as well-not only because of my talent but because I DID something with it! This is an incredible and empowering feeling and motivates me to do more.


What do you want other women/mothers to know about pursuing their talents and following their dreams? 
Being a woman or a mother doesn't mean that we don't have dreams or talents, and it definitely does not mean that we are not capable of doing anything big with our dreams or talents. G-d gave us unique skills and talents and WANTS us to use them! Our families may be our first priority, but it certainly does not mean that nothing else matters or is not important. In fact, you will find that specifically doing things that you love or are passionate about will actually energize you and make you feel better about yourself, which will ultimately result in you being a better woman/wife/mother.

Thank you Sarah for opening up your heart and soul through your music 

and for your candor in addressing these questions which will no doubt 

I-N-S-P-I-R-E and E-M-P-O-W-E-R women everywhere! 

Guest Blogger: Receiving the Torah...again?

By Esther Golam

Esther is a massage therapist and reflexologist. She lives in Gush Etzion, Israel with her husband and baby.

"Shavuot was approaching again... Although I had gone to them previously, this year I was ambivalent. A voice kept complaining inside of me: Another all-night learning program? The truth was, I had changed."

Receiving the Torah... Again?

One woman’s perspective on why we need to accept the Torah anew each year

It’s almost here. Shavuot, the Jewish festival which celebrates perhaps the most momentous occasion in Jewish history: Hashem’s giving of the Torah to the Jewish people. This set of laws would change our lives forever, by enabling us to connect to Hashem on the highest and most intimate levels possible.

And more than this, Shavuot celebrates the Jewish people’s full acceptance of this invitation to connection with the words “Na’aseh v’nishma” – “We will do and we will hear”. We trusted Hashem so much and desired this relationship with Him so intently that we were willing to commit ourselves to 613 rules and regulations before knowing what they were. No reading of the small print, no discussion with their lawyer. Only acceptance, pure and simple.

Mimi, get real.

By Mimi Hecht

[These Shavuot thoughts were adapted from an article I wrote in 2008]

MIMI, GET REAL.

Honestly, was my soul really at Mount Sinai? 

To say that my soul was present at the giving of the Torah is a preposterous claim. It’s a really nice-sounding idea, certainly poetic. But let’s get real. Doesn’t it just sound like something said to soothe a nation that feels distant from the most pivotal and defining moment of our nation?

It’s like saying, “Oh, don’t worry, you were there, too.”

I guess I just don’t see the relevance. Why is this remotely important? Surely I can believe in and relate to something that occurred without having to think that my soul was there. I mean, that’s what every other story is like, no?

Apparently, understanding that my soul experienced the giving of the Torah is supposed to have an affect on my daily life. I never allow myself to be antagonistic or skeptical for too long. So, I'm trying to look deeper. To see what this all means. To me.

If I'm honest, I cant deny that every now and then, my body is home to a soul that experienced something grand.

Even just acknowledging that is somewhat painful. It’s like there’s something…

[ Sigh ]

It’s like there’s something truer than the air I'm breathing but I just can’t grasp it.

Yes, it’s like a …like a distant memory.

An Interview with Chaya Kurtz (of XOJANE fame)

Chaya Kurtz became an instant celebrity yesterday when she published an article entitled "What Women's Media Needs to Know about Chassidic Women," a say-it-like-it-is account of all that is misunderstood and ultimately "awesome" about being a Chassidic woman. Here she responds to accusations that she whitewashed issues in the Chassidic community and also gives honest advice on what Jewish women can do to experience Judaism happily and withstand the "obnoxiousness" of the outside world.

As a Chassidic-and-proud woman, I felt "Bravo!" when I read Chaya's article. Of course, I have more thoughts about this complex topic, which I will be posting later today.

Thank you Chaya for heeding the responsibility of your article and taking the time to answer my questions! <3, Mimi

(Photo provided by Chaya Kurtz. Photo credit to Shneur Menaker/David Zimmand)

AN INTERVIEW WITH CHAYA KURTZ

The Chassidic woman who wants you to know she is not oppressed

If you could put it in one sentence, what was the main message you wanted to convey with your article?

Criticizing all of Orthodox Judaism based on liberal bias is bad for the Jews; we (especially the women) are not what "the media" thinks we are.

Were you surprised with how your piece seemed to have struck a chord? Why do you think it went so viral?

Yes, I am surprised. I think it went viral because it is different. I work in web publishing and I know that content that is successful (meaning sharable) has to offer something new and different. It also has to be worded/presented in a way that is entertaining. I know that I am an entertaining writer. What I find really interesting is despite the anti-internet rally, so many non-Lubavitch religious Jews read this article and commented on it. That, I think, really speaks to their personal agency. These people are still sharing content and reading content on the Internet. 

How would you respond to accusations that you whitewashed a lot of issues in the Chassidic community? 

Why does every article about Chassidic/Orthodox Judaism need to be about the bad stuff? I think people are used to reading the bad stuff. You know what? For many people, our lives are fulfilling and not bad at all. It's about time that some positive words get spoken about the positive aspects of this lifestyle. I didn't sit down to write about the shady underbelly of Crown Heights. There are plenty of bloggers who already do that. I told the truth as I experience it, and as many women I know experience it.

Can you think of any areas of Chassidic life that many women do experience in a "imprisoned" way?

What does it mean to be imprisoned? When it is all rules and no joy. When you have the restrictions but none of the pleasure of learning and feeling connected to G-d. But if things are positive in your home and you are working on yourself and connecting to G-d as best you can, then this lifestyle feels great and not limiting. 

Do you think that all Chassidic woman are attracted to beards? How do you reconcile the possibility that some don't with the fact that they don't always have a choice?

How is it possible that there is a "shidduch (matchmaking) crisis" when you claim that women don't have a choice? I say this humorously, but I also mean it: First the buzz was that there is too much choice in shidduchim and therefore a "shidduch crisis." Now the buzz is that women are being forced into marriage. Also, not all religious guys have beards. Many trim their beards. Many shave their faces with electric razors. Beards are not ubiquitous. They are stereotypical, but there are plenty of guys who trim their beards. 

What can/should a Chassidic woman do if she is not experiencing Judaism as beautifully as you describe? 

The idea is joy. Without it, the yoke of heaven feels pretty heavy. Start at home. If your home is a place of kindness, happiness, Torah, singing and good food, you'll withstand the obnoxiousness of the outside world a lot better. I acknowledge that there is nastiness and harshness in some communities. Unfortunately, our communities are tainted by some nasty influences. Happiness starts at home. The home is the basis of Jewish life. Make your home a kindness-only zone; learn some Torah every day; talk to Hashem. They call it avoda ("service") because it takes effort. Nobody is going to take charge of your happiness except for you.

There are a lot of "gross" mikvahs, some in the heart of Chassidic communities. What do we do about that? 

Those are mostly for men. Women's mikvahs tend to be nicer. I think if the mikvahs are underfunded and not well cared for, it would behoove the communities to raise money to improve the mikvahs. The commandment of mikvah is so crucial to Jewish family life. It should be done in a beautified way. An inspiring example of this is the Chabad of Alpharetta, GA. They prioritized building a beautiful mikvah over having a beautiful shul. I mean their shul is nice and is a wonderful place, but it is a temporary building. What got the permanent building was their mikvah, which is gorgeous. I would love to see more communities follow their lead. 

Your thoughts on Deborah Feldman? 
She is a talented writer. She writes in a compelling way. I think she has a great career ahead of her. 

In retrospect, is there anything else you wish you would have included in the article? 

I think I would have identified myself as a Lubavitch Baal Teshuva (person who has "returned" to Judaism). It would have strengthened my argument. I chose this lifestyle and even though I sometimes feel pulled by the "old world," I stick with it. The idea that there are people who actually choose to become religious and are not "forced" into it by their parents could have added some juice to what I said. Also, the biggest criticism of the piece was that I did not identify myself as a Lubavitch BT. I hear that it needed to be stated, although pretty much everybody figured it out anyway.

Why do you think there is so much recent public/media interest in Orthodox Jews? 

When has there not been? The rest of the world finds us fascinating. Anything fascinating generates clicks and page views. People love to hate Jews. So file a sensational story about Jews, and it is going to sell. This is a very old story. 

How do you think the world will finally come to understand Judaism?

You want an honest answer? When Moshiach comes, they are going to understand. Until then, I think we have the same old battle we've always been fighting.  

What do you see in your future as a voice on Jewish women's issues?

I have an odd place of having a degree in Women's Studies, a career as an editor and I am also a Lubavitcher. I have a very critical perspective on gender. It took a lot for me to shift the way I look at things from Western feminism to a Torah perspective. I think I'd like to write longer, more in-depth articles on the subject. This piece was just a blog post. You can't fit the whole megilla into 700 words. I think at this point it would be worthwhile for me to invest some time in writing something more substantial.

Any closing thoughts?

I love Jews. I love Mitzvoth. I love Torah. I hope that people will see that there is freedom inside of Torah. Now the challenge is actually living Torah. But Hashem doesn't ask of us anything that we can't do.