G-d's Birth Control

By Chaia Kessler

"Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and

 thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad."

God's Birth Control

By Chaia Kessler

I am your sister, your daughter, your friend, your neighbor, that person you make eye contact with in the grocery store but don't actually know.  I am that person in your life that has been married for years and doesn't have children.  Some of you may know the feeling that consumes your entire body when you get handed your baby for the first time. The warmth, and love you already have instilled in you from the months of having them with in you. Some of you may know the feeling of losing a pregnancy, the feeling like a piece of your heart is missing and may never return. Some of you may know the feeling that month after month there is only one line, the feeling like you are empty inside. That feeling is G-d's birth control.

Everyone has their own struggles that they need to overcome. For a lot of people its finding the one. The shidduch scene, the dating. As my friends know I was never much help when it came to giving advice, because I was never in it.  I was blessed with finding my husband when I wasn't even looking, knowing he was the one and getting hitched. But although I did get married before all of my friends, most became mothers before me. One shabbos when i was talking to a friend about her horrible experience with her last date I told her maybe you haven’t found the right one because Hashem doesn’t think you’re ready.Then it hit me,  Hashem hasn't made me a mother yet because I'm not ready to be a mother. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. This friend however didn’t like what I said very much at the time. She just wanted to get married already. Two years later she got married to an awesome guy and at her wedding she smiled and whispered to me, "I wasn't ready."

So that is what I held on to. Knowing that G-d knows best and one day when he deems me ready I'll be a mother.  This is not to say I didn't get furious at him, often. But eventually I knew that I would look back and know that it was meant to be this way. Our Shliach, our amazing doctor that made our dreams come true once said to me."It's not an 'if' you get pregnant it's a 'when." I guess my point is if you believe something will happen and trust in Hashem that he knows the right time. So in that four years of waiting, I went to Israel with my husband, we bought our house and fixed it up ourselves, and we had four years of shona reshona and I can't thank Hashem enough for that.

A few weeks before our fifth anniversary my husband and I gave birth to our beautiful, healthy twin boys. After being married for over four years G-d took me off his birth control. Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad. I remember the feelings I had when I was going through it all, but now all I have is love.

So these beautiful, smart, funny baby boys are not just the next thread in my tapestry of life—they are the most beautiful, vibrant threads in my life. I know that if these boys are so brightly and intricately woven in my life, I'm sure I am as deeply woven into theirs. This gift and responsibility called motherhood, I know full well I am ready for because Hashem made it happen at the right time.

With every mess, dirty diaper, and sleepless night, all I can do is thank Hashem. For not just blessing me with a child but with twins.  I hope my boys grow up being the closest and best friend a person could ever wish for. I hope that they grow up knowing their mother cried herself to sleep begging Hashem for them. I hope they know that they are their parents miracles.

Guest Blogger: Infertility Sensitivity Training

By Anonymous

The author studied at day school, attended yeshiva high school, spent time at a seminary in Israel, graduated from a Jewish college and works in the Jewish community. She is your average orthodox Jewish girl next door. If you wish to get in touch with her, please e-mail blog@ladymama.org 


                              

Infertility Sensitivity Training

Last week (April 22-28) was National Infertility Awareness Week. Our childfree-by-choice contributor has returned to offer some "sensitivity training" for women who have kids.

As a child-free woman I am very aware of how much the conversations of the women around me revolve around their pregnancy, births and children. But don't just take my word for it; here is an amazing video from the author of the http://theinfertilityvoice.com/ site:

What IF: A Portrait of Infertility from Keiko Zoll on Vimeo.

While for me I understand it is the stage of life most of my peers are in and usually just walk away to go join another conversation, I have become extremely sensitive to how these same things may be hard for a woman suffering from infertility. And it should go without saying, unless ANY woman starts the conversation about having kids with you, IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Do not ever initiate comments asking if she is pregnant, why she isn’t pregnant yet, when are you going to have kids/your next kid already!? and so on.

So here are my 5 friendly reminders to my wonderful mother friends:

A childfree-by-choice Orthodox woman speaks out

By Anonymous

The author studied at day school, attended yeshiva high school, spent time at a seminary in Israel, graduated from a Jewish college and works in the Jewish community. She is your average orthodox Jewish girl next door. If you wish to get in touch with her, please e-mail blog@ladymama.org 

My Non-Pregnancy Project

A childfree-by-choice Orthodox woman

"...As I creep closer to age 30, I have waited for the desire to have a child 

to take over and make me rush to the pre-natal vitamins instead of

 my BC pill....Yet, that day has not come."

“Procreation is not the only meaning of life, for then life in itself would become meaningless, and 
something which in itself is meaningless cannot be rendered meaningful merely by its perpetuation.” 
- Viktor Frankl, M.D., Ph.D., Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor

~ ---------- ---------- ---------- ~

Before I got married I never thought about having children. I was never the type of girl to enjoy babysitting or daydream about motherhood and babies; perhaps it is because I am the youngest sibling. However, I did remember the lesson not to get married unless you felt ready for kids, as a natural possible byproduct of the union; and I was ok with that. If all of our precautions failed and I got pregnant I felt that I could rise to the occasion.

 However, as the years passed with no such incident, I started to think less about if I got pregnant and more about the why.

 The first commandment is Pru U’rvoo, to be fruitful and multiply. From a halachic standpoint, due to the potential health risks involved, women are technically NOT obligated to have children. Each time I was taught this concept in school and seminary it was always followed up with: “But, women have a natural maternal urge, so it works out.”

Yet, for years I have struggled with my role and purpose in Orthodox Judaism. I am not obligated in time bound mitzvot because I should be preoccupied with my children. I’m confounded by how has our whole purpose as Jewish women somehow got wrapped up in a commandment that we aren’t even obligated in?

 So, as the years have progressed in my nearly five years of marriage, and as I creep closer to age 30, I have waited for the desire to have a child to take over and make me rush to the pre-natal vitamins instead of my BC pill.

Yet, that day has not come. Where before I worried about not being a good mother, now I worry about even coming to the decision to become a mother.

 I think all women are raised with a certain understanding that one day they will have children. It’s the natural process of life. We grow up playing house and with our baby dolls, we joyfully sing, “first comes loves, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage;” these are the facts of life. So after I fell in love, got married and was faced with the next step, now through adult eyes, I realized it wasn’t as simple as the childhood song made it seem.

 When I broached the topic with my husband he responded, “I never really thought about kids honestly, I always just assumed my wife would decide and I would just join along when she felt ready.” It seems we both got married under the assumption that one day I would want kids, because that’s just what comes natural to all women, right?

 For us, we agree that having kids is the biggest decision we will ever make in our lives, even bigger than marriage. Therefore, we do not take it lightly. We do not want to ‘just do it’ on the advice that ‘it’s the greatest and hardest thing you’ll ever do” or “you can not fully understand love until you have a child” or all those other philosophical thoughts that just read to us as “misery loves company.” So for now, we continue to enjoy our lives, time together to ourselves, freedom, advancing in our careers, fulfilling our dreams, reaching our life goals and generally being happy. We both figure that one day there will be kids in the picture, but the exact when still alludes us. Some may accuse us of being selfish, but to me it is more selfish to bring another person into the world who is not 100% wanted on the off chance that "Once you hold your child everything else will seem meaningless."

 Early on in my marriage, friends and family would always automatically look at my stomach if I had not seen them in awhile. I picked up a habit of always having an alcoholic drink in my hand at such occasions. At about the 2-year marriage mark people gave up on us and left us alone. I have to admit, it was nice. Whether they thought we were having fertility issues (not that we know of), or just weren’t ready (I guess that’s pretty much true), they stopped asking, making comments and even looking! It was kind of a relief.

 In our day and age, I do not think it is fair to make women like me feel like there is something wrong with us just because we don’t have the ‘maternal instinct.’ It’s not fair to tell us were ‘over thinking’ the whole having kids thing, how can you not with such an important decision that not only impacts the rest of your life, the lives of all those around you, but most importantly the life of this innocent bystander who did not ask to be born.

 I myself wish I could ask the woman who has been married as long as, or longer than, myself who also doesn’t have kids if she is like me. Heck, I want to ask the woman who gives birth 9 months after her wedding how she came to such a monumental decision such a short time into her marriage. Of course, I do not ask because at the end of the day it is none of my business. But I would love to chat with someone like me so I don’t feel so alone in my choice and I would love to hear how and why mothers came to the decision to have a child-or do they feel like the decision was made for them by the society they live in.

 All my close married friends have one, two or more children now because, “The time was right.” So I feel like I need to maintain a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy (hence the anonymity of this post) so as not to insult my family, in-laws, employers and the general assumption that all orthodox Jewish women want kids. For those I have told, many react with relief, “I assumed you were having trouble.” Followed by, “Wow! You are so impressively independent that you don’t give in to peer pressure!” and finally, “Is your husband ok with this?”

So we leave it alone, others try to rack their brains to understand me, and others still try to convince me to have kids. For the latter, I tell them that if it makes them happy to try they can, but it’s pretty futile. I have already gone over every argument and scenario in my mind before reaching my current disposition. Basically they all stem from the knowledge that there are no guarantees in life.

For example:

 “It will bring you and your husband so much closer”
 -From what I’ve heard, having kids, and the subsequent at least 18 years raising them, are the hardest and most trying time for a marriage. Ever hear of ‘if it aint broke, don’t fix it?’

 “Imagine all the nachas (pride) and love they will bring you!”
 -What if your kids don’t fit into your mold of the ideal child? Don’t you think basing your entire fulfillment in life on your kids is a bit too much pressure to put on them?

 “G-d doesn’t give people kids they cannot handle” (yes, I have really gotten this one)
-If that is so, why are there so many kids up for adoption?

 “Don’t you want grandkids?”
-Can you guarantee me that MY kids will have kids?

 “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
 -Can you guarantee me that my kids will do that?

 “It is your responsibility to keep Judaism going! Don’t be your own Hitler”
-Again, can you guarantee me that MY kids will have kids or that they will follow Judaism?

 These cannot be the reason to have kids.

 Please do not misunderstand my position as disrespect. My prayers are with all those who do want kids and are suffering from infertility. And I love all the wonderful mothers I know and enjoy seeing my friend’s transition into that role in their lives. I only hope to express that not everyone should be expected to be the same. What is right for you is not necessarily right for me, and vice-versa.

 Which brings me back to the Frankl quote above. I believe G-d has a different path for everyone to find meaning in his or her life. Some have even interpreted Pru U’rvoo to mean to be fruitful in your good deeds. Not everyone will get married, not everyone will have children. True fulfillment in life is what you make of it.

 I cannot wait until the day comes when I do not have to be ashamed of my doubts, the day when I don’t have to live under the weight of the assumption that inevitably I will have kids one day. I hope that this article will enlighten our community to the fact that women can, should and do WANT to be part of an Orthodoxy where their G-d given talents are expressed both within their home and out, both when single and married, and with children or without. If we don’t support each other, who will? If not for our sake, than for our daughters and the future generations of the Jewish people, both religious and not. And that is what I’ve learned from my Non-Pregnancy Project.

Waiting For A Second Child

Anonymous

If you wish to send the author of this article a message (to share your story or swap resources) please contact Mimi@LadyMama.org. 

The author also shared a great resource for parents dealing with second infertility: www.atime.org.  (They have a support forum that is for SIF and a hotline that you can call for medical referrals, rabbis and join support groups.)

WAITING FOR A SECOND CHILD

I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. I have a busy life full of dinner, lunches, laundry, cleaning up toys, bath time, bedtime books and cuddles.  I am grateful for what I have and I thank Hashem for it every day. And yet, there is a hole...

I am experiencing secondary infertility. 

While I would never ever compare the pain of someone who has no children to what I am experiencing, it hurts. Maybe not everyone would feel pain, but I do. 

Let me start from the beginning.

Mother's Day for the Childless

By Mimi Hecht

The Mother’s Day message is that every mother should be treated, pampered and

 praised for her hard work. But what about the rights of women who have

 tried and tried but are yet to become mothers?

Mother’s Day for the Childless

This Mother’s Day is my first since giving birth to my son and officially joining the world of mommy-hood. Sitting at my laptop, all the emotional flower ads and excited Facebook posts make me feel like I’m at a Mother’s Day brunch, so I don’t feel bad that I’m spending the day trying to meet my column deadline. As a mom-blogger, I know my article has to be a about the importance of today. But with every article, post and “tweet” giving millions of moms a platform, I find the need to use this Mother’s Day to become a voice for the women who aren’t making Mother’s Day’s front page. As the world lauds the importance and fulfillment of motherhood, we are surrounded by the silence of women who pass every prayer-filled day being denied the gift of children. For women who face the anguish of infertility, Mother’s Day is not a festivity, but a lively reminder of a role they so badly want to fill. For them, late April and early May is a hellish season, filled with inescapable banners and fliers in every grocery store, restaurant and mall – all reminding them of what should be or could have been. As heartfelt Mother’s Day poems fill their inboxes and their friends relish in recognizing the joy in being mommies, the childless woman is alone, left only with her imagination and unanswered tears. I can’t help but feel an extra dose of grief on behalf of women in the Orthodox-Jewish community who are experiencing difficulty conceiving. In a society where having large families is praised and it is common for women to show belly-bumps just months after marriage, the childless woman’s ache cannot rest. She is forever forced to confront her insuppressible yearning when spending time with friends who have babies, listening to a Rebbetzin highlight the centricity of creating a family or simply being asked a common question: “How many kids do you have?” Moreover, it is common for her to deal with the tactless comments from other mothers who are insensitive to her plight. From assuming she is taking birth control to comments like “Oh, just enjoy this time without kids,” I have heard mothers make senseless remarks - all to a woman who already feels like a second-class citizen in the Jewish community and, to make matters worse, lives in a world where open conversations on the more complex side of intimacy and childbirth are not-yet fully embraced. The Mother’s Day message is that every mother should be treated, pampered and praised for her hard work. But what about the rights of women who have tried and tried but are yet to become mothers? They spend every day caring for their husbands and homes – living life with a smile despite the fact that everything reminds them of their void. And yet, there are no celebrations, parties, rituals or membership kits for the involuntarily childless couple. On today’s day of flowers and Hallmark cards, it is the responsibility of every Jewish mother to recognize the women who are not celebrating but instead riddled with pain. Our duty is obvious. We cannot for a second take for granted our having children. As long as there are women who must undergo the emotionally and physically taxing life of constant doctor visits and treatments – not leaving any stone unturned in their desire to conceive – then motherhood is not a given. More importantly, we must sensitize our minds and hearts to the women who endure infertility in our all-about-the-baby society. We need to adjust our attitude to recognize the reality of infertility for many women among us. And whenever we can, we must give them a voice. To the woman who struggles with infertility: this Mother’s Day is for you. Not because you have a child, but because, through the experience of your longing, you have a deep understanding of motherhood’s significance that outshines even the greatest mom. There is little that someone can say to provide comfort and friends who are mothers have a limited ability to truly understand your agony. However, just know, we recognize your silence. On this holiday where mothers everywhere are flashing their bright lights, we still see you. mimi@algemeiner.com