Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Waiting For A Second Child

If you wish to send the author of this article a message (to share your story or swap resources) please contact Mimi@LadyMama.org. 
The author also shared a great resource for parents dealing with second infertility: www.atime.org.  (They have a support forum that is for SIF and a hotline that you can call for medical referrals, rabbis and join support groups.)


I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter. I have a busy life full of dinner, lunches, laundry, cleaning up toys, bath time, bedtime books and cuddles.  I am grateful for what I have and I thank Hashem for it every day. And yet, there is a hole...

I am experiencing secondary infertility. 

While I would never ever compare the pain of someone who has no children to what I am experiencing, it hurts. Maybe not everyone would feel pain, but I do. 

Let me start from the beginning.

I got pregnant with our daughter shortly after we got married.  So the second time around, we figured it would be no big deal.  So we waited, and 6 months passed by. I began to get a little nervous and started complaining to my husband that maybe I should see a doctor. So I did. I'm sure this doctor thought I was being a little hysterical.  She prescribed me a medication and with that sent me on my way.  Now I am a bit of a medication-phobe so I didn't take it.  Instead, I started doing ovulation predictor tests.  And lo and behold it looked like everything was fine..not like the doctor had thought. So for 6 more months we did nothing but wait and pray and cry.  

Finally a friend convinced me to see a specialist.  So off I went.  The doctor gave me a whole battery of tests I must complete. Blood test, ultrasound, x-ray.  Each test more invasive then the next.  I started some of the blood-work and ultrasound and the results came back perfectly normal.  No hormonal imbalance as I had thought.  So on to the next.  The thought of putting an x-ray to my ovaries made me squeamish so I looked for other options.  I finally found another doctor who was doing a new procedure that could test the same thing using ultrasound. However, month after month the test was put off. The new doctor ordered more bloodwork and tests.  I waited anxiously for the results. This time, I said to my husband, we will find the problem.  But we didn't. Everything was picture perfect normal.  After being poked, prodded, bruised, and scrutinized, we still had no answer.  

So here we are. No pregnancy. No answers. The time keeps rolling on. Every month has become a predictable pattern of emotions.  Excitement, hope, waiting, and then sadness. I almost don't even want to hope anymore. As someone put it “its like almost getting engaged every month." Everywhere I look there are pregnant bellies and squirming newborns. No one would guess the pain that I feel when I see it because after all, I, thank G-d have a child.  

It does hurt though when something you really want is denied. No one seems to feel they have to be sensitive, but how could they know? Maybe we really just don't want another child.  People make thoughtless remarks like “why do YOU need a minivan?” Never thinking for a second that this comment left a sting. I went to pick up maternity clothes that I had lent to someone 9 months ago, hoping I would need to take them back in the middle. But her baby is here, and I am still shopping at J Crew.  It makes we want to cry when I see those clothes.

The other day my daughter said to me that she really wants a brother or sister. In the past my answer to her was that we need to daven [pray]. Upon further reflection, I don't want her to think that Hashem [G-d] is not listening to her or that she is not davening hard enough if we don't have another child.  So I changed my line. Now I answer her that this is the perfect family that Hashem has given us right now and we are very thankful. 

Now I just have to internalize that myself.

2 LadyMama voices:

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

Infertility at anytime is painful, bewildering, and frustrating.

Secondary infertility is no different than primary infertility in that you lose all control of your ability to plan your own family, are invaded by doctors, and take something that is essentially supposed to be between a husband and wife and make it public.

In your piece you mention all the work-ups you have had, but you don't mention any doctors visits for your husband. Infertility in men can occur just a suddenly as it can for a women. A seemingly healthy, formally fertile man can have complications that would render him infertile. This is something that is often overlooked in secondary infertility situations.

Please have your husband examined! If you are in NY, I highly recommend the doctors at Cornell. They are truly the leaders in this field. Their website has a lot of information too. http://www.maleinfertility.org/

Good luck and keep your Emunah strong!

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

I wish for you another child a.s.a.p, I know how you feel, and the urgency u feel to be blessed with another child. I too am waiting, it's very difficult. May we all be blessed with an abundance of blessings, healthy and holy offspring and the koach we need to bring them up.