G-d's Birth Control

By Chaia Kessler

"Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and

 thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad."

God's Birth Control

By Chaia Kessler

I am your sister, your daughter, your friend, your neighbor, that person you make eye contact with in the grocery store but don't actually know.  I am that person in your life that has been married for years and doesn't have children.  Some of you may know the feeling that consumes your entire body when you get handed your baby for the first time. The warmth, and love you already have instilled in you from the months of having them with in you. Some of you may know the feeling of losing a pregnancy, the feeling like a piece of your heart is missing and may never return. Some of you may know the feeling that month after month there is only one line, the feeling like you are empty inside. That feeling is G-d's birth control.

Everyone has their own struggles that they need to overcome. For a lot of people its finding the one. The shidduch scene, the dating. As my friends know I was never much help when it came to giving advice, because I was never in it.  I was blessed with finding my husband when I wasn't even looking, knowing he was the one and getting hitched. But although I did get married before all of my friends, most became mothers before me. One shabbos when i was talking to a friend about her horrible experience with her last date I told her maybe you haven’t found the right one because Hashem doesn’t think you’re ready.Then it hit me,  Hashem hasn't made me a mother yet because I'm not ready to be a mother. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. This friend however didn’t like what I said very much at the time. She just wanted to get married already. Two years later she got married to an awesome guy and at her wedding she smiled and whispered to me, "I wasn't ready."

So that is what I held on to. Knowing that G-d knows best and one day when he deems me ready I'll be a mother.  This is not to say I didn't get furious at him, often. But eventually I knew that I would look back and know that it was meant to be this way. Our Shliach, our amazing doctor that made our dreams come true once said to me."It's not an 'if' you get pregnant it's a 'when." I guess my point is if you believe something will happen and trust in Hashem that he knows the right time. So in that four years of waiting, I went to Israel with my husband, we bought our house and fixed it up ourselves, and we had four years of shona reshona and I can't thank Hashem enough for that.

A few weeks before our fifth anniversary my husband and I gave birth to our beautiful, healthy twin boys. After being married for over four years G-d took me off his birth control. Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad. I remember the feelings I had when I was going through it all, but now all I have is love.

So these beautiful, smart, funny baby boys are not just the next thread in my tapestry of life—they are the most beautiful, vibrant threads in my life. I know that if these boys are so brightly and intricately woven in my life, I'm sure I am as deeply woven into theirs. This gift and responsibility called motherhood, I know full well I am ready for because Hashem made it happen at the right time.

With every mess, dirty diaper, and sleepless night, all I can do is thank Hashem. For not just blessing me with a child but with twins.  I hope my boys grow up being the closest and best friend a person could ever wish for. I hope that they grow up knowing their mother cried herself to sleep begging Hashem for them. I hope they know that they are their parents miracles.

Guest Blogger: Birth and it's Beauty (A Poem!)

By Mimi Nussbaum

Mimi currently lives in Sydney, Australia and is a mother of a ten month old son. After spending seven months in Israel following her marriage in 2009, she moved to Australia with her husband to be close to her family. She is currently completing her GradDipEd in Macquarie University, to teach English and History at high school level.

BIRTH AND ITS BEAUTY

I remember the whitewashed walls that surrounded me,

The voices of the doctors that hovered over me like a resonating rhythm.

Was it fear I felt in the pit of my stomach?

Or anticipation for the inexplicable love that

I already felt intrigued and enveloped by?

I was awestruck by the faith that travelled through my veins,

Giving life to the cells of uncertainty that plagued

the deep recesses of my very being.

As the smoky stench filled my nostrils

I felt hostile to the sterility of the doctors and the anaesthetic,

Reluctant to relinquish the control I once cherished.

The warm, human smell of my husband nearby brought relief,

Like the warmth of fire on icy skin

in the harshness of winter’s coldest day.

In what felt like an instant, the chatter and laughter

was drowned out by the beating of my heart.

It felt like a drum in a grand parade,

Fighting to be heard over the other instruments.

“Congratulations” suddenly filled the room;

My baby’s first cry was met with unsurpassable joy and elation.

The gratitude that I felt consumed me like a vice,

Barely letting the oxygen escape my lungs.

I felt him in my arms and knew my life had altered forever.

I now understand the transcendental power of love

and its capacity to fill someone with emotion so strong,

you could survive on it alone.

I remain enthralled by the notion that two people can create an entirely new being, combined with G-d’s inexplicable powers.

It colours my experiences and my world with sheer pleasure;

Fortified by the desire we possess to create, to love and to appreciate 

our G-d given privilege.

A childfree-by-choice Orthodox woman speaks out

By Anonymous

The author studied at day school, attended yeshiva high school, spent time at a seminary in Israel, graduated from a Jewish college and works in the Jewish community. She is your average orthodox Jewish girl next door. If you wish to get in touch with her, please e-mail blog@ladymama.org 

My Non-Pregnancy Project

A childfree-by-choice Orthodox woman

"...As I creep closer to age 30, I have waited for the desire to have a child 

to take over and make me rush to the pre-natal vitamins instead of

 my BC pill....Yet, that day has not come."

“Procreation is not the only meaning of life, for then life in itself would become meaningless, and 
something which in itself is meaningless cannot be rendered meaningful merely by its perpetuation.” 
- Viktor Frankl, M.D., Ph.D., Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist, Holocaust survivor

~ ---------- ---------- ---------- ~

Before I got married I never thought about having children. I was never the type of girl to enjoy babysitting or daydream about motherhood and babies; perhaps it is because I am the youngest sibling. However, I did remember the lesson not to get married unless you felt ready for kids, as a natural possible byproduct of the union; and I was ok with that. If all of our precautions failed and I got pregnant I felt that I could rise to the occasion.

 However, as the years passed with no such incident, I started to think less about if I got pregnant and more about the why.

 The first commandment is Pru U’rvoo, to be fruitful and multiply. From a halachic standpoint, due to the potential health risks involved, women are technically NOT obligated to have children. Each time I was taught this concept in school and seminary it was always followed up with: “But, women have a natural maternal urge, so it works out.”

Yet, for years I have struggled with my role and purpose in Orthodox Judaism. I am not obligated in time bound mitzvot because I should be preoccupied with my children. I’m confounded by how has our whole purpose as Jewish women somehow got wrapped up in a commandment that we aren’t even obligated in?

 So, as the years have progressed in my nearly five years of marriage, and as I creep closer to age 30, I have waited for the desire to have a child to take over and make me rush to the pre-natal vitamins instead of my BC pill.

Yet, that day has not come. Where before I worried about not being a good mother, now I worry about even coming to the decision to become a mother.

 I think all women are raised with a certain understanding that one day they will have children. It’s the natural process of life. We grow up playing house and with our baby dolls, we joyfully sing, “first comes loves, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage;” these are the facts of life. So after I fell in love, got married and was faced with the next step, now through adult eyes, I realized it wasn’t as simple as the childhood song made it seem.

 When I broached the topic with my husband he responded, “I never really thought about kids honestly, I always just assumed my wife would decide and I would just join along when she felt ready.” It seems we both got married under the assumption that one day I would want kids, because that’s just what comes natural to all women, right?

 For us, we agree that having kids is the biggest decision we will ever make in our lives, even bigger than marriage. Therefore, we do not take it lightly. We do not want to ‘just do it’ on the advice that ‘it’s the greatest and hardest thing you’ll ever do” or “you can not fully understand love until you have a child” or all those other philosophical thoughts that just read to us as “misery loves company.” So for now, we continue to enjoy our lives, time together to ourselves, freedom, advancing in our careers, fulfilling our dreams, reaching our life goals and generally being happy. We both figure that one day there will be kids in the picture, but the exact when still alludes us. Some may accuse us of being selfish, but to me it is more selfish to bring another person into the world who is not 100% wanted on the off chance that "Once you hold your child everything else will seem meaningless."

 Early on in my marriage, friends and family would always automatically look at my stomach if I had not seen them in awhile. I picked up a habit of always having an alcoholic drink in my hand at such occasions. At about the 2-year marriage mark people gave up on us and left us alone. I have to admit, it was nice. Whether they thought we were having fertility issues (not that we know of), or just weren’t ready (I guess that’s pretty much true), they stopped asking, making comments and even looking! It was kind of a relief.

 In our day and age, I do not think it is fair to make women like me feel like there is something wrong with us just because we don’t have the ‘maternal instinct.’ It’s not fair to tell us were ‘over thinking’ the whole having kids thing, how can you not with such an important decision that not only impacts the rest of your life, the lives of all those around you, but most importantly the life of this innocent bystander who did not ask to be born.

 I myself wish I could ask the woman who has been married as long as, or longer than, myself who also doesn’t have kids if she is like me. Heck, I want to ask the woman who gives birth 9 months after her wedding how she came to such a monumental decision such a short time into her marriage. Of course, I do not ask because at the end of the day it is none of my business. But I would love to chat with someone like me so I don’t feel so alone in my choice and I would love to hear how and why mothers came to the decision to have a child-or do they feel like the decision was made for them by the society they live in.

 All my close married friends have one, two or more children now because, “The time was right.” So I feel like I need to maintain a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy (hence the anonymity of this post) so as not to insult my family, in-laws, employers and the general assumption that all orthodox Jewish women want kids. For those I have told, many react with relief, “I assumed you were having trouble.” Followed by, “Wow! You are so impressively independent that you don’t give in to peer pressure!” and finally, “Is your husband ok with this?”

So we leave it alone, others try to rack their brains to understand me, and others still try to convince me to have kids. For the latter, I tell them that if it makes them happy to try they can, but it’s pretty futile. I have already gone over every argument and scenario in my mind before reaching my current disposition. Basically they all stem from the knowledge that there are no guarantees in life.

For example:

 “It will bring you and your husband so much closer”
 -From what I’ve heard, having kids, and the subsequent at least 18 years raising them, are the hardest and most trying time for a marriage. Ever hear of ‘if it aint broke, don’t fix it?’

 “Imagine all the nachas (pride) and love they will bring you!”
 -What if your kids don’t fit into your mold of the ideal child? Don’t you think basing your entire fulfillment in life on your kids is a bit too much pressure to put on them?

 “G-d doesn’t give people kids they cannot handle” (yes, I have really gotten this one)
-If that is so, why are there so many kids up for adoption?

 “Don’t you want grandkids?”
-Can you guarantee me that MY kids will have kids?

 “Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
 -Can you guarantee me that my kids will do that?

 “It is your responsibility to keep Judaism going! Don’t be your own Hitler”
-Again, can you guarantee me that MY kids will have kids or that they will follow Judaism?

 These cannot be the reason to have kids.

 Please do not misunderstand my position as disrespect. My prayers are with all those who do want kids and are suffering from infertility. And I love all the wonderful mothers I know and enjoy seeing my friend’s transition into that role in their lives. I only hope to express that not everyone should be expected to be the same. What is right for you is not necessarily right for me, and vice-versa.

 Which brings me back to the Frankl quote above. I believe G-d has a different path for everyone to find meaning in his or her life. Some have even interpreted Pru U’rvoo to mean to be fruitful in your good deeds. Not everyone will get married, not everyone will have children. True fulfillment in life is what you make of it.

 I cannot wait until the day comes when I do not have to be ashamed of my doubts, the day when I don’t have to live under the weight of the assumption that inevitably I will have kids one day. I hope that this article will enlighten our community to the fact that women can, should and do WANT to be part of an Orthodoxy where their G-d given talents are expressed both within their home and out, both when single and married, and with children or without. If we don’t support each other, who will? If not for our sake, than for our daughters and the future generations of the Jewish people, both religious and not. And that is what I’ve learned from my Non-Pregnancy Project.

DIY Mitzvah Chart with Guest Blogger Rita from DesignMegilla.com!

Rita Milos Brownstein is the author of two books, Jewish Holiday Style and Jewish Weddings(Simon & Schuster) and speaks at events showing women how to beautify the Jewish holidays. She has worked as an art director for several well-known publications such as House Beautiful and Good Housekeeping magazine. She currently has a home decorating business in Connecticut and blogs at designmegillah.com. She divides her time working and playing with her very cute grandchildren Moussia and Yosef.

Do It Yourself: Mitzvah Chart! 

Hi everyone! My name is Rita—you can usually find me blogging over at designmegillah.com but today I am thrilled to be a guest blogger for LadyMama.

I would like to share a project I did for my grandchildren—a Mitzvah Chart. This chart lists the mitzvahs that the children are expected to do each day of the week. In what has become a nightly ritual that the children look forward to with excitement, my daughter Ariel reviews with them the mitzvahs they did that day. If they did the mitzvah, they get to put a magnetic button on the spot for that particular mitzvah. 

They love it when they fill an entire day with buttons, and of course, children LOVE magnets!

I designed this chart for young pre-schoolers who don’t know how to read, but if you have older kids you can replace the pictures with words. Add more or less for your needs.

Here are the supplies I purchased:

1. Colored scrapbooking paper (Michaels Crafts)

2. Package of colorful buttons (Michaels Crafts)

3. Magnetic Board (Michaels Crafts)

4. Both round and strip style magnets (Staples)

5. Large letter stickers (BoBunny Supersized Alphabet Stickers)

6. Press-On 1” white vinyl letters—Helvetica (Staples)

7. Martha Stewart Crafts 1 ½” circle craft punch (Michaels Crafts)

8. Decorative ribbon (Michael’s crafts) (optional)

Before sticking on the large letters that read “Mitzvah Chart” I taped a piece of green painters tape to use for a guide and get a nice straight line. If you don’t have painters tape you can use masking tape or you can draw a light pencil line with a ruler.

Next, I cut out my circles for the days of the week using my circle craft punch. Again, if you don’t have a circle punch you can cut squares out of the colored paper with scissors.

After I decided out how much space I needed for each day, I drew vertical lines with a sharpie marker.

The painters tape helped to keep the tops of the lines straight.

Here is a PDF of some icons to use if you are doing a chart for toddlers. You can add your own, too.

After mounting the icons on colored paper, I cut the magnet tape and applied to the back of the icons. This way, they can be changed as needed. I also added the white vinyl letters to the colored circles for the days of the week.

The buttons got a drop of glue from a glue gun to stick onto the round magnets. If you don’t have a glue gun, I suggest using goop glue, found at most hardware stores.

As a finishing touch, I glued a decorative ribbon around the board to create a bit of a frame.

Please visit me at www.designmegillah.com for more great ideas!

Mad About 60's Fashion—w/Guest Blogger Elisheva of Bellabusta.com!

Hey LadyMamas! 

I'm very excited about featuring Elisheva Blumberg's pickings from 60's fashion, inspired from a television show that—whether you watch T.V. or not—is very inspiring in the modest fashion arena! Go check out Elisheva's blog and follow her on Facebook! She has a keen eye for great looks, gives thorough advice (like her latest post on pairing booties with skirts!) and always has a fresh take that is easy to translate into our every day desire to be beaaaaaaautiful! 

---------->>And don't miss her Facebook giveaway at the end of this post! 

<3, Mimi 

Mad About 60's Fashion!

By: Elisheva Blumberg from Bellabusta

The 1960's are having a fashion renaissance now. There are so many gorgeous, feminine and show-stopping 60's looks that can be easily adapted for a modern as well as modest look.

Here are three fabulous and feminine 60's looks that you can bring into the 21st century - all inspired by characters from the 60's era show "Mad Men!"

Look #1 Prim and Proper
The early 60's maintained the rigid women's roles of the previous decade. Although there were women in the workplace, they dressed in a very feminine fashion. Dainty accessories, perfectly placed hairdos and classic silhouettes ruled.

Try this:
To get the ultra-feminine look of the early 60's without looking too costume-y, you'll need a few updates. Start with a brightly-hued dress in a ladylike shape and build the outfit from there. It used to be a fashion necessity to match your accessories with your dress, but now it's just the opposite. Mix things up with an animal print blazer and pumps in a contrasting color. A vampy nail color keeps the look modern. And if you feel up for a something daring, try a  fascinator headband, which is fresh but echoes the hats of the past.

Look #2 Thoroughly Modern Mod
The mod look of the 60's was totally different than anything that can come before it. Bold graphic lines, op (optical) art, straight silhouettes and primary colors shouted youthfulness, demanded attention, and captured the hearts of women who wanted to break free from old social standards.

Try this:

Today, color-blocking is back. For a more contemporary and wearable look, try a two-toned skirt paired with a simple white button down. Go wild with accessories that channel modern art.

Look #3 Bella Beatnik
Beatniks were the original hippies. They're radical political ideas and taste in music and fashion set them apart. They wore a lot of black, simple silhouettes and displayed their open mindedness with unconventional accessories (like ethnic jewelry).

Try this:
For frum women, this will be an easy look to imitate! Start with a base of all black (almost too easy...) and add daring and offbeat elements to complete the outfit.

What do you think about these 60's inspired looks? Any favorites?
Come and join Bellabusta on Facebook for the "Year of the Vintage Photo contest!"
Guess the year this old family photo was taken to WIN Revlon makeup!

Elisheva Blumberg is an FIT graduate with degrees in Fashion Merchandising and Cosmetics and Fragrance Marketing. Visit Elisheva’s beauty and fashion blog, bellabusta.com and “like” Bellabusta on Facebook for tips, trends and beauty giveaways!