Sunday, May 5, 2013

G-d's Birth Control

By Chaia Kessler

"Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and
 thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad."

God's Birth Control
By Chaia Kessler

I am your sister, your daughter, your friend, your neighbor, that person you make eye contact with in the grocery store but don't actually know.  I am that person in your life that has been married for years and doesn't have children.  Some of you may know the feeling that consumes your entire body when you get handed your baby for the first time. The warmth, and love you already have instilled in you from the months of having them with in you. Some of you may know the feeling of losing a pregnancy, the feeling like a piece of your heart is missing and may never return. Some of you may know the feeling that month after month there is only one line, the feeling like you are empty inside. That feeling is G-d's birth control.

Everyone has their own struggles that they need to overcome. For a lot of people its finding the one. The shidduch scene, the dating. As my friends know I was never much help when it came to giving advice, because I was never in it.  I was blessed with finding my husband when I wasn't even looking, knowing he was the one and getting hitched. But although I did get married before all of my friends, most became mothers before me. One shabbos when i was talking to a friend about her horrible experience with her last date I told her maybe you haven’t found the right one because Hashem doesn’t think you’re ready.Then it hit me,  Hashem hasn't made me a mother yet because I'm not ready to be a mother. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. This friend however didn’t like what I said very much at the time. She just wanted to get married already. Two years later she got married to an awesome guy and at her wedding she smiled and whispered to me, "I wasn't ready."

So that is what I held on to. Knowing that G-d knows best and one day when he deems me ready I'll be a mother.  This is not to say I didn't get furious at him, often. But eventually I knew that I would look back and know that it was meant to be this way. Our Shliach, our amazing doctor that made our dreams come true once said to me."It's not an 'if' you get pregnant it's a 'when." I guess my point is if you believe something will happen and trust in Hashem that he knows the right time. So in that four years of waiting, I went to Israel with my husband, we bought our house and fixed it up ourselves, and we had four years of shona reshona and I can't thank Hashem enough for that.

A few weeks before our fifth anniversary my husband and I gave birth to our beautiful, healthy twin boys. After being married for over four years G-d took me off his birth control. Looking back at our struggle, the 6am doctors appointments, the drugs, the thousands and thousands of dollars in medical bills, it all doesn't seem so bad. I remember the feelings I had when I was going through it all, but now all I have is love.

So these beautiful, smart, funny baby boys are not just the next thread in my tapestry of life—they are the most beautiful, vibrant threads in my life. I know that if these boys are so brightly and intricately woven in my life, I'm sure I am as deeply woven into theirs. This gift and responsibility called motherhood, I know full well I am ready for because Hashem made it happen at the right time.

With every mess, dirty diaper, and sleepless night, all I can do is thank Hashem. For not just blessing me with a child but with twins.  I hope my boys grow up being the closest and best friend a person could ever wish for. I hope that they grow up knowing their mother cried herself to sleep begging Hashem for them. I hope they know that they are their parents miracles.

7 LadyMama voices:

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

Thank you so much for this. You have no idea how much I needed to read this today.

Chaia Kessler said... [Reply to comment]

op everyone feels alone while struggling with infertility. treat a support system someone to talk to. feel free to even email or call me, you cant let youself get stressed.

chaia kessler

moshe moshel said... [Reply to comment]

Very touching. May you have much nachas.

Anonymous said... [Reply to comment]

What a powerful article, and how brave that you included your name.

My 2 month old baby was conceived with help. I remember that feeling of sitting in the waiting room at 6:30am, looking at around at all the women around me who were no doubt feeling that same ache as me. We were part of a special sisterhood without a choice in the matter; these were women I would have passed on the street and assumed their life is perfect based on what they looked like.

But here they were, sitting alongside me. We don't exchange words but there's the knowing glance. The glance of, yep you also cried yourself to sleep last night.

Its easy for me to forget that chapter of my life. Taking care of my baby is so consuming that I need to remind myself to zoom out sometimes and see the miracle in my life. Whenever I drive by my infertility dr.'s office. I remember the days were I had to go there every morning at dawn and get my blood drawn. And how much I hated hearing about others getting pregnant. And how hopeless I felt, wondering how many years would go by with this pain, and if there would ever be an end to it. And how hard it was not to hate God.

Now I look back and see it was indeed God's birth control that I got pregnant when I was finally ready. And that as alone as I felt, god was going indeed carrying me the whole time.

Thank you for sharing yourself chaia.

Fashion-isha said... [Reply to comment]

What a beautiful post. There are more people than we can imagine who need to hear these words! Kol Hakovod! May you only have much nachas!

Dovid said... [Reply to comment]

Awesome article, I'm sitting here and reading, and I feel like I could have written this myself. (although it was a bit more than 4 years).

If only these notions can be communicated to someone who is going through the roller coaster right now, but in fact, when we went through it we didn't care, we wanted a baby and we wanted it now. But in hindsight this is the best thing that happened to me, my wife, and our marriage.

The only thing that kept me going was what you quoted from your doctor, "It's not an 'if' you get pregnant it's a 'when." We didn't hear that from a doctor, but I believed that deep down in my hard, or rather I didn't believe it, I 'know' it!

Now we know to appreciate our kids so much more, to appreciate life, the day to day little things, and the struggle itself strengthened my character, my belief, my empathy with other. I am the person I am today only because, and in credit of, the hell, literally, that we went through.

Chaia Kessler said... [Reply to comment]

@Dovid Dovid,
Thank you for your comment. It was touching on so many levels. I've got tons of emails and comments about my post helping or inspiring people. You are the first father. What an amazing angle to look at fertility through. Of course I know my husband suffered though the hell we went through, but to hear it from another father was so special. Thank you for posting.